Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts

Friday, July 31, 2026

The BIG Spell Table

Roll 1d100.

The BIG Spell Table
[1]
Not a spell- but a spell failure! This arcane formula is incomplete or intentionally flawed. Whatever you thought the spell might do; find the nearest corresponding School of Magic on this list and roll on its subtable. If not applicable, roll on the Spell Cataclysms table.

[2] Not a spell- but a method to acquire spells. Roll on the Cruel Executions for Magic Users table; slaying a magic user in a ritualized fashion with this method will grant you knowledge of one spell they knew in life.

If your magician can already suck out magical knowledge from dead people- then you learn a very Occult Spell from Silent Hill instead.

[3] This spell is stupid. Roll a d12 on the Idiotic spell table.

[4] Not a spell- but a Runebrand. This magic brand provides a small permanent bonus to anyone it is applied to, or a once per day cantrip-level magic effect for its wearer. Roll a 1d6 on the Witcher Runebrand Table for your brand. If you roll a 6, instead roll a d20 on the Random Discipline Table, which is tattoo representing that magical concept with a matching effect.

[5-6] Chaotic Burst! The spell caster must name a desired outcome or target of the spell; and the magic flies! Use the powers of Mana Points and their effects, with the number of Mana Points equal to the caster level. You cannot use the same effect twice in a single casting of the spell. Don't have Mana points? You'll have to use Hit-Points instead.

[7] You learn a spell that is quite amateurish, but charming. Roll a spell made by Your Apprentice.

[8-13] Mutation of a Classic Spell. Roll 1d6, then roll on its corresponding table.

  1. Knock
  2. Color Spray
  3. Sleep
  4. Hold Portal
  5. Comprehend Languages 
  6. Magic Missile (Same rules as magic missile; it just looks different.) 

[14] You learn the rituals and callings to perform a random Dark Pact.

[15] You learn how to cast magical curses. The next time you curse someone with your words, it can become a magic spell. Use the Freeform Curse Generator.

[16-18] Roll a Basic Starting Spell.

[19-24] Roll a Random Starting Spell.

[25] You learn a useful utility spell- roll on the Camp Spells Table.

[26-27] Instead of a spell, you gain a new face. The face appears on your chest; though it can be hidden under your clothes. Roll a 1d4 to determine where the face comes from, and what powers it grants you. If you already have a magical chest-face-spell; then just roll a Random Mutation.

  1. Roll a random face of the Many-Faced Man
  2. Roll a random surface from the Weird Monster Generator
  3. Roll a random face of a Hand-Face-Hand
  4. Roll a random Chaos Medallion Relief which also grants you a Medallion Power.

[28-32] You learn a first level spell. Roll 1d4, then roll on its corresponding table.

  1. Attack Spells
  2. Defense Spells
  3. Illusion Spells
  4. Summoning Spells

[33] You get some strong magic with some very glaring flaws. Roll 1d2 and then roll on the following table.

  1. Powerful Enhancements ended by Very Trivial Things
  2. Powerful Curses Countered by Very Common Things

[34-39] You learn a spell inspired by the bards. Roll 1d8 on the table below, then once again on whatever table you randomly selected.

  1. Hedge Wizard
  2. Green Colored Sun
  3. Adventures in the Upside Down
  4. El Bosco
  5. Moth Tower
  6. Mumble forth verses of subtle control with Purple Magic.
  7. Learn a random magic Song.
  8. Generate an Orc Song. It grants magical power- but only to things related to the song.

[40-43] You learn a Monster spell. Roll 1d4 to determine the origin, then on the relevant table to learn the spell.

  1. Goblin
  2. Gnoll
  3. Orc
  4. Instead of a spell, you become infused with Fairy Magic. Gain a Blessing of a Fairy Queen.

[44-45] You can condense magic energy into a Magical Skillgem. If socketed into an item, it grants its user a special power. Roll 1d3 to determine the color (Red, Green, Blue) and then a 1d12 to determine the exact power it grants.

[46-50] You learn one of the 36 Magic Spells.

[51] You learn a spell that is strangely interconnected to everything else. Roll on the Blog Spells Table.

[52-55] You learn a personalized spell. Roll 1d4 to determine who, and then roll on their spell table for the exact spell of theirs you steal.

  1. Anten the Murderer
  2. Walks-In-Emeralds
  3. Hotar of the Holy Vapors
  4. This spell acts as a Turn Undead; but turns something Weird instead.

[56] You learn a spell relating to arcane symbology. Roll a random Symbol Spell.

[57] You learn a Random Cleric Spell

[58] You learn a spell related to Exploring Dimensions

[59-63] You learn a Generic Enemy Spell. Perfectly generic, perfectly serviceable. You'd do well in the Monster Manual.

[64-71] You gain a spell of the rainbow. Roll 1d6 to determine a random color, then on the relevant table below.

  1. Red
  2. Blue
  3. Yellow
  4. Green
  5. Purple
  6. Orange

[72] You learn a spell relating to magical runes. Roll a random Rune Spell.

[73-75] You learn a chaotic, strange, or highly-random arcane formula. Roll 1d3.

  1. Weird Low-Level Spell 
  2. Altered Classic Spell
  3. Weird High-Level Spell

[76] You learn a spell used in war- roll on the Warfare Spells Table

[77-79] You learn a spell relating to nature spirits. Roll 1d4 and then roll on the relevant table below.

  1. Dryad Spells
  2. Satyr Spells
  3. Mermaid Spells
  4. Fae Ice-Queen

[80-81] You gain the ability to create, bind, or summon forth a creature. This creature is not a short-lived conjuration but is alive. Each one has a will of its own and must be sated or bound magically to serve. Roll a die to determine what Hit-Dice of monster you get; apprentice should only be rolling a 1d4, where as master wizards or archmages might roll a 1d8 or even 1d10.

  1. Unfortunately you are only able to summon a shitty Pest.
  2. Hearth Minion
  3. Malevolent Zombie Servant
  4. Trapestrod
  5. An Intruder
  6. The Unconquerable Ulazoo
  7. Angered Nature Spirit - Treat the "Why is it Angry" table as Bewitched. It will break free in 1d6 years of serving you.
  8. You revive a long dead Lich. The Lich will serve you, but has its own agenda and jealously guards its own Signature Spell.
  9. Big Scary Ass Demon
  10. Oh shit. You accidentally summoned an Elder God! Make a saving throw against magic to close the portal in time; if you succeed, you survive but your mind is burdened with Terrible Knowledge. If you fail; the elder god sucks you through into the void and you disappear forever. Alternatively if the proper ritual protections are prepared; you can summon one of these powerful beings as a supernatural patron instead.

[82] You peek into the primordial past from the shamans and spirit-callers of old; learning one of the First Magic Spells. For every year you spend sequestered in the wilderness living as a primitive; you can roll again on this table to learn another.

[83-87] You learn witchcraft. Roll a 1d6 to determine the origin of the Witch magic you are learning, and then roll again on the relevant table.

  1. Forest
  2. Sea 
  3. Swamp
  4. Mountain
  5. Squirrel
  6. Instead of a spell; you learn a method or two to Bewitch someone. Bewitching someone is like Charm Person, but better.

[88] You learn all the dark powers of an Anti-Sage. If you commit a deed of great evil, these spells count as though you are one caster level higher.

[89-94] You learn a potpourri spell. Who keeps inventing these?

  1. You conjure a basketful of some Magic Fruits.
  2. You can perform Star-Doctor Experiments; using your caster level as the die size.
  3. You speak a Magic Incantation. The spell does about what it sounds like it would.
  4. Lean a random spell of the Mindscape.
  5. Generate a Weird Spell.
  6. Learn the mystic ritual of the Kindlesoul 
  7. Upon casting this mysterious protection spell, you realize it does nothing until you die
  8. Learn the Spider Spell.
  9. Learn a ritual to become the Master of 23 Men
  10. You can stick a sword in a dead guy's face to make a Swordyface
  11. Learn a powerful Enchantment that can reach across the whole world! 
  12. Roll on the Trickster Special Ability table. This isn't a spell; you just have this ability now. 

[95] You learn a spell with no levels- Roll on the No-Level Spell Table. These can be prepared with any spell slot or use of any mystic resource of any level.

[96-97] You learn how to call forth powerful mystic weapons. Roll 1d4.

  1. You learn a Magical Weapon Summon-Spell
  2. Pick two weapons from the Celestial Armory and they both appear; one in each hand.
  3. You call forth one of the Almighty Astras. Roll 1d2 to determine which table you roll on. You can call forth the Astra for a number of rounds equal to your Caster Level +1.
  4. You need no weapons when your hands will suffice! Learn the basics of Gestural Combat- gain the first two and then two more random Proscribed Gestures. Increasing your Will and unlocking new gestures simply requires more Juice.

[98] You learn all the basic powers of a Sage. After you commit a deed of great good, you gain all the advanced powers too.

[99] You gain a powerful spell that grants you a Godly Power for a single day. When the spell ends, you fall unconscious and slip into a coma for one year to recover from such awesome powers in your mortal form. This doesn't happen if you're already a demigod.

[100] Instead of a spell, you get one Wish. No twists, no catch.

Sunday, December 14, 2025

8 Methods of Modern Fiction Empowerment that isn't just "Cybernetics" or "Magic"

Maybe private security for the world's elites, your order of John Wick assassins, tacticool operators who you want to be slightly more plausible then action-movie heroes in how they survive and thrive in multiple firefights? You want your only-slightly paranormal investigators to be able to survive battles with the crocodile-sewer-people? How do you do that in a way that fits a modern setting and is something you could work towards a player character, or something that a secret organization or high-level group could give to their field agents to give them some kind of edge? 

This question was also somewhat built out of the idea of adding new enemy types for modern shooter games; similar to something like FEAR or a Call of Duty game. Obviously enemy types can be programmed to do whatever you want; but the silhouette and general weapons, tactics, animations, etc. are all going to be similar. Real life humans can't take a face full of bullets. So barring equipment, some fantastical upgrades are needed. So what's the answer to add some enemy variety and power levels in modern stuff? The answer always seems to be cybernetics or magic. But that's boring. Let's think of some more.

Quick note: The table is also roughly in order of unrealistic and gonzo. You can use smaller dice to represent more "grounded" methods based on your desired level of "fantasy" in modern fantasy-fiction. 

8 Methods of Modern Fantasy Empowerment
[1] 
It's all in the genes. Some people are just born better then others, sorry! But even if you aren't especially gifted; modern technology has allowed you to gain some of these gifts with platelet-rich blood transfusions on a twice monthly basis. If you miss one? You not only lose your powers, but probably get anemia or something.

[2] Tantric meditation, mindfulness, mental discipline, and lucid dreaming techniques to gain complete and total control of the subconscious, instinct, and psyche. Lets you resist pain & torture, not flinch even around explosions, control body heat, hold your breath for extended periods, lessen bleeding or the effects of shock, control your heart rate, and so on. May include references to Tibetan Monks.

[3] Far eastern herbal supplements, raw milk, and probiotics cultured from a private stash. Grants poison resistance, rapid healing, improved strength and so on. None of the active ingredients are present in any performance enhancing drugs nor can be traced to any specific chemical; but something about the whole is greater then the sum of its parts. You think this one is bullshit until you actually eat probiotic yogurts in real life regularly and maybe go walk outside for an hour holy shit it's crazy. Also I'm including "kung fu but actually works in a real fight and is overpowered" here even if it's a little basic. Like not punches and kicks but Jason Borne stuff, you get it.

[4] Memetic patterns and symbols stitched onto clothing or even tattooed on that do things like draw the eyes towards or away to act as natural stealth, induce vertigo from the swirling designs, cause double vision and loss of accuracy, or disperse impact force or heat along the ink acting as a sort of armor mesh drawn directly on skin or clothing. It's not magic because it triggers an instinctual psychosomatic response, or something. I didn't make up the vertigo tattoo idea unfortunately; I stole it from this shitty YA kid's book I haven't thought about in like 15 years.

[5] Vibrational attunement and bioresonance frequencies. Using specialized headphones or internal body-speakers to emit a performance enhancing sound that grants addition strength, healing, focus, recovery, etc. To avoid it just being a consequence of the noise itself, and therefore usable by anyone, it requires some kind of attunement or acclimation process to maximize the effects. Maybe instead of requiring a device to make the sound you can train your vocal chords to make a "hum" that mimics the effects, or even create a sort of loud drone that weakens nearby organisms but you remain unaffected. 

[6] Additional limbs grafted on, fully controlled, capable of using and handling more weapons at once and has much more weight to throw around in melee. People are born like this all the time actually so the only unrealistic part is being able to fully control these extra limbs and your "secret agent badass" is going to be really obvious going about in public with a mass of flesh attached. You could also do this with just adding extra internal organs or domesticated cancers for redundant hearts, extra lungs for more oxygen, grafted liver for poison immunity or whatever but I like the flesh monster approach more.

[7] Spliced with animal DNA. You can take this in as legit or hackneyed as you want. Like everything from "I spliced myself with cheetah DNA so I can run fast even though my legs haven't mutated and I don't have any of the same spinal or square-cube considerations" or some other trite shit like that or you could just have straight up furries. Despite an excuse for the fetish potential I just think it'd be cool if you were playing Max Payne or SWAT 4 or something and a bad guy walked up to you able to handle the recoil of a full-auto shotgun in one hand while clawing at you with the other and he's got weird skin patches all over his body and then your realize he's been genetically modified with a fucking leopard just so he can do crime better.

[8] Supercharged Bioelectric Field. Exposure to very special magnets (or just radiation) enhance and empower a person's bioelectric magnetic/energy field granting a small amount of psychokinetic control. This includes being able to levitate, minor shielding, discharging electrical shocks, and moving objects with ones mind. Basically just Control powers. Because it's using the body's innate magnetic field, only requires a high calorie diet to power and maintain. If too immersion breaking then may require implants to generate the field oh shit we're back at cybernetics again fuck

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Chain Gang's Main Drain

The Emperor is building a new canal. Maybe it's going to be full of his favorite fish; a pond next to his new palace. Or perhaps it's a massive rice farm, or maybe it's a network for fast travel and commerce within the heart of the empire. For whatever reason, a massive pit is being dug and slowly lined with wet stones. To accomplish this huge undertaking, hundreds of strong farmers, random criminals, and outlaws were shoved into this huge pit to finish the work. The pit is a straight drop, far too tall to climb out, with guards stationed every so often to make sure nobody is trying to escape. They are paid in sweet wine and bread, but at least they were promised a satchel of silver each when they were done. There's no telling if this will ever materialize, but at least it helps with the morale.

You are not one of them. You're down their drain.

Chain Gang's Main Drain
The center of the massive drained canal is a ditch that leads to a hole. The hole is many meters deep, only letting in enough light to barely illuminate the bottom. This is a drainage ditch and well dug to keep the canal from flooding too quickly, but the earth was too soft and it broke into a space beneath. The walls are way too wet to climb, and even getting a ladder down the tight hole would be difficult, if the chain gang even had one. You're stuck down here.

The Chain Gang has no way to get you out, but they still have need of you. Partially, just to have someone to look down on. The guards are lorded over by the Emperor, they chain gang are lorded over by the gaurds, and you're lorded over by them. Fair?

For doing tasks for them, the Chain Gangers can give you food, usually just scraps, and precious wine, which is one of your only ways of getting clean drinking water. They can also spare some of their tools, pickaxes to move stones and shovels to sift dirt, which you can use as weapons; but if too many goes missing or lost the guards will likely punish the Chain Gang very harshly, so they'll want them back for each inspection. They accomplish this by sending down a bucket on a string, along with other supplies, but it's too small and weak to send one of you back up, of course. Being down the drain does have its advantages though; the guards don't know you exist, and as such, you aren't getting beaten or forced to work. But where as the chain gang are going to be brought out of the pit when the job is done, and they swear they'll try to get you out, the architects overseeing the project have no obligation to figure out a solution to your problem, and the dig is on a tight schedule as is...

The Chain Gang's Quests
Every three days, the Chain Gangers will collectively have a task for you to complete. Their attitude is cordial, but they aren't going to share their rations if you don't help them, and they know you can't do much about it if they do stiff you your reward. The reward will be;

  1. Exactly enough rations for everyone down the hole, with no extra for lunch breaks, healing (well fed bonuses), or monster bait, for the next three days. If the Chain Gang had a few bad days, assume a few smaller or missing rations this time.
  2. One tool. This can be a rough shovel (1d3 blunt), a trowel (1d2, but can be used in grapple or sneak attacks like a dagger), a sharpened pickaxe (two handed, 1d6 piercing), or a long pole used for moving stones (1d4 quarterstaff, attack at disadvantage in cramped space, could be made into a spear or broken apart for a few torches). If it's a bad day, you get a random one instead of the tool you wanted.
  3. Two pieces of driftwood and soiled linens that can be used as a torch OR a few leather straps that broke off from from scaffold or from moving heavy stones. (Two or more straps can be used to make basic armor as leather, or wrapped around your arms and legs for +1 temporary AC) If you don't ask for one in particular, they'll just give you a random choice.
  4. One wineskin. The Chain Gang all get one every other three days, so they rotate who gives it up for you. First thing to go during bad days.

The wine is enough to get one person drunk or can be shared among three people. It's enough to wet your tongue enough to cast spells or can restore one Hit-Point if you chug the whole thing like a health potion. If anything bad happens on the surface (somebody escaped & the guards crack down, it rains, it's a church day and everyone is still forced to work, a mason loses their tools and the chain gangers are searched for contraband, etc.) then the wine always goes.

If you do a task for them, they'll give you all of the above as your reward. If you do an extra task or a really good job, they'll give you an extra pick of anything on the list; except for the wine.

There is also a one in six chance each day the Chain Gang steals something from a higher up like a mason (an actual valuable worker) or an architect who had to step into the pit for a moment. The Chain Gang is spiteful enough to want to pawn these off on you in lieu of one of your normal rewards just to inconvenience those above them, but will never send you down anything actually valuable like coin or a proper weapon. This special reward can only be taken on these days, and is randomly;

  1. Length of rope or small bit of iron chain (1d3 improvised weapon). You can also break down the bucket for this if you really need it, but then you'll have no way to trade for items.
  2. Mason chisel (1d4 improvised dagger) OR Mason's chalk
  3. Parchment and paper taken from architects or stolen letters (you can use these to draw a map)
  4. Axe Head that fell from a woodcutter and was lost in the mud when they were clearing space for the canal. (No handle, but could be made into a d6 axe)
  5. Animal fat and grease from the kitchen tents (can be used as fuel, ointment, or smeared over something to make it bait for a monster). If you're a weirdo you can ask for specific organs or animal bones instead; like if you need them to cast a spell or something.
  6. Guard's Cuirass (as chainmail). They would 100% keep this themselves but is too hard to hide and anyone caught with it would 100% be killed. Expect the next three days in a row to be 'bad days', since a guard either died or just got demoted.

In order to determine what task the Chain Gangers give you, roll on this table. If you roll a 11 or 12, then this is a bonus task that is secretly given by someone among the Chain Gang, whispered down and separate from the rest of the group. Roll again. They can drop something on the reward table extra; but it's rarely worth the added risk.

Chain Gang Task Table - Roll 1d12
[1] Teach us a new song, funny hole people! (Entertain them and humiliate yourself, 1d2 chance they get drunk and forget to give you your reward later)

[2] Stop the weird spiders that come up the hole from drinking our blood when we sleep.

[3] One of us dropped a silver wedding ring down the hole a few days ago, find it and bring it back up! And don't you dare keep it for yourself! It couldn't have gone far... right?

[4] The men are starved for something besides crusty stale bread. We want you to bring us an animal that we can eat from below; nothing unsavory or rotten, no nasty bugs, ye shits.

[5] We want to get high. Go bring us those little mushrooms, with the black caps and yellow spot? They only grow down below. The smaller and brighter the spots, the stronger.

[6] Our camp has a pet, a funny little monkey. He got loose from his rope and climbed down the hole; please bring him back! ALIVE!

[7] Bring us the precious ore; silver or gold! We can hide it from the guard.

[8] One of the architects said the canal floor is unstable. Go down there and put up some supports or whatever and prevent the next sinkhole!

[9] Don't you hear that horrible, stinking sobbing? There's a ghost down there of someone who fell in and died. Go get their remains so we can put them to rest and end the haunting.

[10] We heard there are Orcs down there. Please make sure there aren't any orcs down there. If there are any, can you like, make them go away? Please no Orcs.

[11] I am a worshiper of the ones beneath. Take this (cursed) talisman to the deepest place in that well; I will know when your task is complete. He will speak to me in my dreams.

[12] I was an apprentice alchemist before I was press-ganged. I have no interest in slaving away in this hole; especially how dangerous it is. Send me up a bucket full of the fulminate, those dull gray stones? And I'll reward you. (He will die in the escape attempt, one bad week after. But after this happens, you learn of their explosive properties).

This setup allows you to do a few interesting things. The core idea is that the players are trapped in an unequal relationship with people who are also trapped, and yet somehow a bunch of indentured servants are better off and better equipped then you are. I imagine this would probably work better as a level 0 funnel or a starter "dungeon" adventure. It also allows new characters and hirelings to literally be dropped in on your head; anyone who falls down the pit isn't going to get back up very easily, and the Chain Gang doesn't want to tell anyone in authority about the pit because it could be a method for them to escape their work, so anyone who falls down is stuck with you. I like the idea of an especially annoying guy accidentally falling down the pit while piss drunk and now having to work with the people whose hole he was just pissing down a few minutes ago.

With the canal eventually being finished and later flooded, there is also an implied time pressure. I don't have an exact time scale thought out for this, but it should be at least a few weeks, but probably less then a month. The idea here is the players need to find a way to escape in addition to keeping themselves alive and exploring the dangerous "drain". It's a classic overarching goal to their short term goals of survival and getting along with the workers above. You could probably shorten this down to a single session or two, but I like the idea of amassing a bunch of adventuring gear from scraps and trash; which is an element you lose if this is just the classic "party captured and has to escape with limited resources vibe"

The Drain
[1] The Hole
You're at the bottom of this. It's about as tight as a generic well, but opens up greatly near the bottom, where it broke into some natural underground area. Water trickles here constantly, but the sunlight and noise from the chain gang above keep most of the creatures at bay. Somehow smells worse then the deeper parts of the drain. While here and during the day make no wandering monster checks, at night, roll only a 1d4 on the wandering monsters table if you camp here.

The Hole has a tunnel that leads to two places, the tunnels at [2] and Cragger's Drog at [5], which is the reason exploration is so perilous.

[2] Mud Tunnels
Soft walls, damp, water is ankle high. Confusing mess of corridors that mostly lead to dead ends, except for the path to [3] & [4]. The first time you travel through this area, lose an exploration turn from navigation.

[3] The Descent
Steep rocky slope leading downwards. Slippery when wet; if you're encumbered and have a negative dexterity modifier, you will slip and fall back down, needing either a rope or less weight to make your way back up. Creatures from the deeper levels will not chase you past this point.

[4] The High Point
Circular chamber that's located somewhere in the cliffs and normal flat ground above the canal. The air here feels fresher and less heavy, indicated some air flow (it's coming in through the soil). Dwarves can easily tell this area is above the rest of the Drain in altitude. Only one way in and out, so it's probably the safest place to sleep.

[5] Cragger's Drop
The drain slopes down from the entrance to this point; there is a constant sound of crashing water. Hard but not impossible to safely climb down without tools. Two pickaxes and a strong arm (+1) Strength could get up and down pretty easily. If you have a negative Constitution modifier, the cold water will exhaust you too much to climb the rough edges.

The bottom of the drop is a bit of mostly safe and flat ground surrounding [6], with branching paths leading off to the other areas.

[6] Sharp & Pointy Pit
The place where all the metal weapons and tools flowed last time it rained heavy. Acts like a pit trap if you fall in (probably instant death), but you could lure a monster to fall in here instead. You can also search this place all you want, you won't find the wedding ring here. You can also dig out a sword (1d6) or spear (1d6) out of the crack if you spend an hour, have some rope, and have at least one character risk falling in to reach for it. 

There is also a precarious small sack hanging from the tip of an upturned spear, half ripped, just barely hanging on until it falls into the irretrievable abyss below. Mage Hand could pull it up but that's boring; make someone risk their life for the husk of a bread loaf (inedible) and 1d6 silver coins within.

If you throw the (cursed) talisman down this hole the man who gave you the tasked would be pleased and give you a reward; but over the next three nights you are plagued by nightmares and end up permanently cursed; feeling as though the deep longs for your destruction. (-1 to AC and Saving Throws whenever you're underground. Only people who directly voted for or had a hand in throwing the amulet down here end up cursed, and you could break the curse by retrieving it (lol) and putting it in the Deep Place [20] where it belongs.

[7] Trembler's Nest
Weird little bipedal, subterranean owls. They can only shake and huddle together in a corner for defense. Scrawny but can be consumed for food. Their legs and lower body are absolutely hideously scarred with tiny bite marks from their blood being drained over and over.

Their eggs are a dull green and vibrate worryingly when you hold them. If you throw them they explode like a grenade and deal 1d3 damage in an acidic yolk explosion. 1d6 Tremblers and 1d6 eggs can be found here. They aren't smart enough to leave if you come back, so you can find another egg every week or so if you don't eat them.

[8] Giant's Hand
There is a giant hand poking out of the wall lengthwise along this tunnel. You can squeeze past it easily as long as you aren't carrying something really big or have way too many weapons that might scratch it. No amount of noise will "wake" it up. However touching or attacking it will, causing it to lash out. It's stuck in the wall and can only attack by a big sweep (10 damage but spread evenly among all characters in the tunnel) or by grabbing and crushing someone it can feel (save and be grabbed, everyone has to attack it to let go, one round later it crushes dealing 2d6 unavoidable damage). It has 6 HD.

Also after killing the hand or if you dig the wall nearby you'll find it isn't actually attached to a giant and just kinda grew here attached to a wall with flesh colored webbing.

You can also totally chop up the hand if you have an axe and feed it to the Chain-Gangers but after one day they'll get sick and blame you for it (three bad days after).

[9] Moss Chamber
Large open space with shaggy moss that crunches like grass underneath. At exactly midnight, the Tremblers from [7] come here to forage for tiny worms and scrabbling cave-crabs. You could try harvesting the moss for something to burn or trade but it's too wet down here and would never dry properly. Underneath a shelf of discolored moss is a vein of fulminate, which you can extract. The moss acts as an excellent cushion to avoid flaming sparks from igniting the vein and also an excellent sound absorber for when you accidentally make it explode and kill everyone in the party.

An Elf or Druid could tell that the discolored moss must be growing on an unusual mineral. Otherwise you'd just have to investigate until you learn that's where it is.

[10] Blood Pool
Mysterious cave side chamber with a floor that funnels inwards to a pool of still blood. Along the outside edges are the desiccated corpses of several lanky owls, some worms, and a pixie. Vampires or weirdos could drink it and tell there is some human in it, but it's probably a mix of multiple. Actually where the blood drinking spiders lay their eggs. If you cause any ripples in the blood pool they hatch early in anticipation of their next meal.

Stat as a 2 HD Swarm (takes only 1 damage maximum from attacks, takes normal damage from AoE or fire). Deals 1d8 damage per round and always automatically hit without needing an attack roll (they crawl under your armor). The adult spiders are significantly less aggressive then this honestly, at least they wait until you're asleep.

[11] Roid Rat Feeding Ground
Weird rust-colored smears against a smooth rock floor. Little black turds indicate this is a place rats cross often from burrows and cracks in the walls. You could try to hunt these, but it's not worth it. There is a 1 in 3 chance any given hour 1d2 rats come out from their hiding places here.

Look like little albino kangaroo rats. They seem strangely docile, even when approached or after being caught in a trap. The moment they are cornered or handled however, they freak out, turn red, and triple in size. Like a goblin but with Strength modifier of +3. Attack by stomping your toes into paste; if you try to grab one it's thrashing can break your fingers. 1+1 HD creature with decent mobility since they jump around (eye level height). They always fight to death, and the meat is especially gamey and shitty like they burnt out everything they had just to spite you in their rage.

[12] Mysterious Tunnels
Winding upward tunnels carved into the stone, too smooth for tools. Could be a giant worm, but feels too intentional. Just big enough for a man to crawl through on hands and knees, half movement speed. Sharp rocks scraps your hands and knees unless if you have good quality clothes or leather straps to protect yourselves with (deals 1 nonlethal damage for a full journey up).

Follow the tunnels is painstakingly slow and takes at least two hours to crawl up them, but when you do you'll find a secret passage to [2]. It's significantly slower then taking the other path down, but large creatures certainly could not follow you up.

[13] Clutch Roots
Roots from some mysterious plant far above poke through the roof here. If touched directly (any character with a big hat or anyone really tall), the roots suddenly extend downward and try to wrap around and squeeze whatever touched them, needing an axe to be cut free. Using any improvised tool will dull it or have other roots grab it as well just to make things worse. As long as only one person gets trapped at a time, it's manageable.

Roots chopped down still retain the ability to squeeze but less aggressively. If fed with water they could be kept alive longer and made more docile; clever parties could wrap a fighter in these for some decent armor (as chainmail, but inflexible so treat your Dex as -1 while wearing). They only live for a week with constant watering, but if brought into the sunlight they sprout new small shoots and become living armor you can keep for as long as you want, immune to rust monsters, and grows back any damage it sustains. If the character wearing the armor dies from Dragonbreath or a Fire Spell however then the armor dies for good.

If you hold up a torch or lantern to look above at the roots and get a better look, you'll see the ceiling sparkle. There is a vein of gold from the rock the roots hang down from. Fire would work but the smoke would fill up this and surrounding chambers and be lethal.

[14] Mimic
Small side chamber which has a totally normal, clean treasure chest sitting in the corner. It's not dirty or rotten from the moisture at all. It is obviously a mimic. There are bones next to it for fucks sake. Stats as mimic. If you kill the mimic, you'll find a very traumatized monkey inside clutching a silver key belonging to the foreman above. (It opens the Chain-Gang's chains).

Also if you avoid the mimic entirely or come back here after dealing with it you'll notice a single mushroom leading you to the mushroom patch [15] in case you missed it. The mushroom is random and if plucked gives one dose, roll 1d6 on the Mushroom table below.

[15] Mushroom Patch
Cute little mushroom patch in the corner of this cavern, fed by a trickling of stalactites above. There seems to be a small glow around the shrooms even though none of them seem to be enchanting; it's actually the water that seems very lightly magical. There is enough mushrooms of each kind for a group (party sized) of people to be able to use them.

These are the Mushrooms you can find in the patch and their effects (Roll 1d6 for random)

  1. White with Yellow Spots- Constipation for one day, then painful excretion.
  2. All White- Edible and quite good (enough for 6-8 rations but don't grow back if they're all plucked)
  3. White with Red Spots- Poison. Can be smeared on a weapon to deal +1 damage for a day, if eaten deals 1d6 damage instead.
  4. Black with Red Spots- No noticeable effects. Vampires think you taste funny.
  5. All Black- Giga Poison, but thankfully taste horrendous (you can't stomach eating one, but would be lethal if you did)
  6. Black with Yellow Spots- Gets you high. As long as one party member remains sober, they can keep everyone in line. If everyone in the party tries one, you all black out in bliss and then wake up in a random place in the Drain (roll 1d20). There's one really small and brightly colored one hiding among the stalks, which only the party member most likely to want to stay sober will see.

Also, a Pixie lives here, making a living off some ambient dumb fae magic. There's a little house you can only see if you have Mage Sight (or are a Gnome). If you knock on the door and are polite the pixie will come out and ask you if you've seen its mother/daughter/significant other/whatever relationships pixies have. If you confirm the dead Pixie in the blood pool spider nest [10] then the Pixie here will be sad but will offer to enchant a weapon (+1) or a party member (+1 max HP). That's about the limit of her powers unfortunately.

[16] Tar Pits
Most of this chamber is dominated by large sloped pits with bubbling tar from deep beneath the earth. Anyone who is thrown into one will almost certainly get sucked in and drown. The air here smells terrible. You could use the tar as a glue or throw in trash to get rid of it but that about is the limit of its usefulness.

Halfway slid down a tar pit; you'll find a small, humble silver wedding ring here. If you touch the tar trying to grab the ring directly it will take a turn for someone to pull you out and a lot of cussing and noise (random encounter roll). If you fail any roll associated with getting the ring, it slides into the tar and is lost forever.

[17] Carved Dinosaur Skull
Huge open-mouth dinosaur skull acts as a cool entrance to the remaining areas [18], [19], and [20]. If you strike the cracked tooth with a blunt weapon the skull will snap shut blocked off access to the deepest areas (or trapping you inside). Digging around the skull would be almost as hard as trying to chip your way through it.

If a Necromancer or sufficiently skilled Magic-User inspects the carvings they can learn a random 1st or 2nd level Necromancy spell. If you use a different magic system, +1 to Dinosaur spells or whatever.

[18] Sad Little Corner
There's a sad little dead body in the corner of a stone chamber, desiccated to bones and tatters. Just looking at it makes you feel sad. If you get close, you must make a morale check or start openly weeping, which gives you -2 to your attack rolls if you get into a fight right after this. Somebody has to succeed a morale check to inspect or move the body. The body contains a small silver blade carved with a moon crest; increase your damage with offensive spells by +1.

If you pick up the body and give it a proper burial somewhere nice (The Moss Chamber or the Mushroom Patch), you'll put the spirit to rest. All Wandering Encounter rolls of 1 are treated as safe instead. If you dispose of the body somewhere shitty like the tar pits or loot it without a burial you'll enrage the spirit instead.

[19] Rubble Ditch
Shallow incline that leads to a wall completely caved in and filled with rubble. Nearby on flat stone ground are the signs of weapons being sharpened, some casually tossed aside bones, and some smashed gambling dice after a losing game. All sure signs of Orcs. They seem to be gone now; back to the subterranean kingdoms from whence they came when there was nothing to plunder and no reason to guard this hole when a cave-in would suffice.

[20] The Black Altar
At the deepest point in the Drain is a black altar coated with slime and moss, hanging from the sides, black tar seeping in from the ceiling in slow droplets, black water bubbles around its base. All light sources are dimmer and darker in this room; torches become candles and candles become matchsticks. If you took the amulet from the cultist Chain-Ganger, you can put it here to properly complete their request and please their Gods. If you are suffering from a Curse, you get an extra saving throw to break it.

You can also drink from the black water below the Altar to pledge yourself to the Ones Beneath. From then on, you will feel a calling to the dark places of the world, and feel uncomfortable in the sunlight. If you choose to follow these new Gods and their whisperings you could unlock new powers stemming from the dark and cthonic, but your alignment shifts towards Chaos. Pledging yourself to these Gods allows you to drink this water as a healing tonic like a health potion. For Clerics of existing Gods or lawful character; this water burns their skin like Unholy Water. The bubbling water loses all special properties when taken above ground.

If you disrespect or desecrate this altar in some way, you will anger the Ones Beneath. Add +1 to all wandering encounter rolls while you remain in the Drain.

Wandering Encounters (Roll 1d6)
[1] Crying Ghost Girl (1 HD, +4 AC, Ethereal, Undead)
Doesn't attack and has no morale. You see the girl as a translucent blue-colored specter holding her face in her hands floating along, quietly sobbing. It's a ghost so she can't be hurt by normal weapons. Anyone who hears the ghost directly feels sad, and receives a negative -1 to their next Saving Throw or until they are cheered up. Any Turn Undead action causes her to disappear.

If you anger the spirit of the girl, the ghost will instead appear with a red color and the spirit attacks with tears streaming down its face. It gains +1 HD and deals 1d8+1 damage with her incorporeal hands, which cause lacerations to appear on your flesh as if from nothing. She will also give off a banshee scream once per time she is encountered where all your party members are stunned for one round and have to make another Wandering Monster encounter roll to see what the noise brought.

[2] Blood Drinking Spiders (1 HD, +2 AC, Bloodsucking attack 1d4+1)
Morale: 8
Number Appearing: 2d4+1

The adult version of the Blood Drinking Spiders, about as big as a housecat. They aren't especially aggressive, especially after feeding. After making a successful attack, the individual spider makes a morale check to run away and go spit the blood up in their blood pool spawning nest at [10]. The spiders heal 1 hit point each time they successfully drink blood from someone. They aren't very smart and will bite straight into metal shin guards or boots if you have them, causing their mouthparts to break and making them totally harmless.

[3] Roid Rat (1+1 HD, +2 AC, Stomp Attack 1d6 damage)
Morale: 7 or Fight Until Death
Number Appearing: 1d2

Strangely calm and docile albino cave dwelling rat. Doesn't have any interest in fighting and will run away if you make loud noise, but corner one or grab one and prepare for it to roid out and attack. Described in more detail at [11].

[4] Long Man (3 HD, +2 AC, Stomp Attack 1d6+1, Bite Attack 1d10+1 casts Web when at half HP)
Morale: 14
Number Appearing: Just one

Looks like a pale creepily elongated human man with no genitals. You get the feeling its something nameless and promethean. It doesn't bleed, and instead has some strange skin-colored goo inside of its body that leaks out in sticky strands. When it takes enough damage this spurts out over everyone close enough covering them in it and slowing their movement. Prefers to attack with legs that are as long as you are tall even though it has to unnaturally crouch down in these tunnels given its too tall for them.

It can also unhinge its jaw and open its mouth very wide to bite with big flat teeth; but it only does this against someone totally immobilized by its Webbing or something trying to grapple it up close. The first one of these you encounter will be missing a hand.

[5] Giant Mud Wasp (2 HD, +6 AC, Stinger Attack 1d6+1, Mild Poison causes nausea, calls reinforcements)
Morale: 16
Number Appearing: 1d2 and then way more

They can't see you and get disadvantage to attack you if you're covered in a good amount of mud or tar, but seriously, don't fight these. Won't chase you down since they're too busy scrapping in the mud to build a nest or whatever it is they do.

[6] Chain-Ghoul (2+1 HD, +4 AC, Chain whip attack 1d4+1, Chain wrapped claws at 1d6, Undead)
Morale: N/A
Number Appearing: 1d4

Body of a Chain-Ganger executed or fallen into the well and left to rot. Their corpse is puppeted by animated chains they are still bound by; they move around like Doctor Octopus from Spiderman. They attack with broken bits of chain and smack you with their claws that are wrapped in chains for more impact and are fierce. If multiple Chain-Ghouls are encountered at once, they are encountered chained together, and get slower for each one felled as the others have to drag its corpse around.

While I don't use Ghoul to mean D&Dism Ghoul Ghouls if you insist on giving them the D&D Ghoul paralysis thing then make it wrap people hit by it in chains if they fail the save instead since it's cooler.

If you spend a combat round unlocking their manacle using the Foreman's silver key [14] the ghouls instantly go limp and cease their undeath as their spirits are free. This roll requires you to either keep the ghouls still for one round, or have someone use a Slight-Of-Hand or Rogue skill to actually get the key in there.

[7] Dark Dwellers (5 HD, +4 AC, +2 To-Hit, 2d6 tentacle attack which entangle on any roll of 6, corrosive blood returns 1d2 damage blunt weapon attacks, pass thru matter, light sensitivity)
Morale: 17
Number Appearing: 2d4

Hulking and misshapen black figures from the unnamed places beneath the earth. Seem to be made of black tar and shadow. Attack with tentacles that spawn from random places on their body making their attacks difficult to deflect or dodge. When hit with blunt weapons or fists the struck body part bubbles up and then pops, releasing bubbling black water that burns (identical to [20]) your skin from its heat and corrosive shadow. Whenever their tentacles deal a maximum damage roll on either die, they entangle them in some tentacles. If one die rolls 6, they are partially entangled and can't move but can still fight back, if both roll a 6, they are totally entangled and can't do anything unless cut free.

The Dark Dwellers are agents of the Ones Beneath and have no interest in feeding or killing the party members for sport. Instead, they will attempt to kill whoever desecrated the sacred altar, or those aligned with the forces of the Sky or Light (Clerics of Sky Gods are hated almost as much as those who desecrate the altar). They're clever and won't fight endlessly; instead trying to wrap the offender up in their tentacles and then sink into the floor with them in tow never to be heard from again.

While extremely strong, the Dark Dwellers are weak to light. Torches and lanterns cause them to flinch back and attack at -2 to whoever holds them. Anything that produces light (glowing sword, firefly lantern, torch, etc.) deals damage either equal to a 1d6 sword OR deals +1 bonus damage, whichever is stronger. Intended to be a party wipe unless you have some amazing light sources (like a Light spell, or Flare, or a flask of sunlight or something) to even the odds.

Possible Outcomes
Because there is no direct end goal the main driving force for the party will be to find a way to escape the drain while playing nice with their unreliable and unhelpful superiors in the form of the chain-gangers, who are in turn enslaved by someone above them.

Possible methods to escape the Drain as written here are;

  • Do enough favors to be lifted out of the hole by the Chain-Gang (only works for small characters; maybe the pixie can shrink you?) You'd still have to escape the ditch and guards afterwards
  • Intentionally cause a cave-in which could open a way out onto the surface. Obviously, this has its own risks. I like to imagine monster hunters and the guards will come out to any open sink holes to make sure nothing crawled out to stalk the King's woods; would include outlaws like you or maybe they assume you're escaped Chain-Gangers.
  • Survive in the drain long enough for the work to be completed and the water let into the canal. If this happens you'll be swept away into the great below and die unless you set up camp in the high point [4]. It will take at least a few days for the water to settle, and then you can swim up out of the hole if you can hold your breath long enough and remember the way. There won't be any guards waiting for you because nobody is expecting a bunch of outlaws to surface in a giant farming irrigation canal.
  • Break open the rock wall at [19] and enter the Underdark. Not technically escaping to the surface but you're bound to find another way back up eventually. This would either take explosives (the fulminate) or several days of hard labor. You'd still need to supply this work with food from the Chain-Gangers and new tools. Assume 1d2 tools break per day while digging through the stone, everyone working on it needs double rations, and it takes ~250 man hours to complete (three strong men working twelve hours a day a week could clear it, add an extra hour of work completed per strength modifier or if you have extra tools)
  • Align yourself with the Ones Beneath. While this would help you survive or do do other tasks or missions, I imagine having enough favor with them or one night before the whole cave floods you get a premonition that you can safely enter the tar pits at [16] to be sucked away to some other subterranean realm or the Underdark. If you haven't pledged your soul to the Ones Beneath and are just tagging along to the party then make a save or die. I think the idea of one party member being the chosen mud messiah only for half of party to die when they try their stupid plan to trust the dark gods who hate the sun.

Note: Only after writing this did I realize that I wrote a similar set up for the Massacre at Slave Creek which featured similar factions. I actually think this works out better because this adventure almost perfectly fits into the next if the Chain-Gang manages to escape or rise up against their captors, or if the players exacerbating the tensions so badly the guards begin a massacre to kick off those events.

Sunday, December 1, 2024

In Defense of Race as Culture + 8 Universal Origins for People

Art @Su Jian

Often browsing internet forums or writing advice blogs, you will often hear the adage of "writing a fictional fantasy or sci-fi race with only one culture is bad writing", and this is true! Classics include Klingons, fantasy Dwarves, always-evil Orcs, and other such examples. The idea of an entire polity of intelligent beings, at least as smart or socialized as humans, yet not having even close to the same amount of diversity of cultures and ethnicities (or "races"; we're using the term race = species here as a colloquialism), does seem to raise some alarm bells and a lack of care for the detail and belivability of a fictional world.

The cause of this phenomena is talked about a lot, so I won't spend much time writing on it. Basically, everyone who writes these types of stories is a human, and humans are pretty much the only intelligent "race" of beings on our planet. As such, we see differences amongst ourselves much better then we do other living creatures. For example, most people couldn't tell the difference looking at an adult male or female tiger unless you put them right next to each other. The stripes, fur, hips, skull construction, everything is too similar unless you're some kind of zookeeper or something. Humans are designed to see differences in other humans, so we naturally gloss over the differences in a fictional nonhuman race. (One could argue this is actually genius level writing; portraying all members of a fantasy race as stereotypes is just the unreliable human narrator or the viewer own lens ignorant of the deep culture differences between deciduous forest elves and conifer-elves, but we're not gonna go there.)

Secondly, the overhead of writers and authors to create (and audiences to consume) is too much for a full human-level of detail and breakdown for different fantasy races with their own cultures and history. There is only so much room in a game or book or show or whatever else to dedicate to such extraneous fluff. As such, they are simplified. This creates a sense of "fakeness" and one-dimensionality to these fantasy races, making them walking stereotypes. Surely, the elves would have their own many factions and cultures. They can't all be tree dwelling, bow using, magical immortals with a penchant for sneering at younger races, right? Is having an entire race of ultra-capitalists in a sprawling sci-fi setting creating a less believable world, no matter how well developed they actually are? 

I think with the bottom-to-top worldbuilding design of creating and explaining every little detail of a world, yes, I think having fantasy races as monocultures is a bit lazy and could veer into bad writing. But in my opinion? Monolithic and one-dimensional races are not bad at all. This is because they are not representative of an actual fantasy race of people but, instead, are essentially the fantastical, exaggerated fantasy versions of real-life heritage and diversity.

Art @Timbukdrew (these are my favorite troglodytes ever btw)

Humans are Not a Race
Perhaps because of playing so many non-human characters, imagining settings with them, or generally consuming media with a smattering of different fantasy races I personally don't find myself with some special connection to fellow humans as portrayed in fantasy worlds. Instead, I just think of intelligent beings in fantasy as just being some vague kind of people. It also helps if we don't use the label of "human" for one or more fantasy races. One good example would be the Elder Scrolls or Lord of the Rings; while they may be "Men", the differences between them are still significant. After all, Hobbits are a race of men too, despite them being wayyyy different from the other "humans" in Tolkien's works, both physically and culturally (mentally?).

In the real world, different human genetic traits evolved due to evolutionary and selective (cultural) pressures. While this topic is obviously contentious, it is in inarguable fact of biology. It cannot be denied without a creationist argument. Even so, I still very strongly feel that the genetic difference between two of the most distant human groups still capable of interbreeding is still probably less then the differences then a Nord and a Breton, or a High Elf and a Dark Elf. They're still the same race, but the differences between them are exaggerated, made fantastical, more apparent to highlight the differences and potential gameplay impacts (which is the only thing anybody actually cares about) that your choice of character race will have on your playthrough.

Of course, "genetic distance" and DNA and shit doesn't exist in fantasy anyway. It's a misnomer. They exist but only as vague concepts that direct how the author and audience expect things to work unless something "else" is going on in the fantasy world. In the real world, somebody can't be half animal, because the genetics don't work like that. But in a fantasy world? Someone can be half horse or half bull or whatever, and potentially pass that trait on. Somebody can also just be touched by supernatural spirits, or be part of a cursed bloodline, or whatever else the author makes up. While logically or "realistically" orcs and elves and humans can't be part of the same species, they can still occupy that space thematically.

Imagine you are traveling along a road in medieval times. After a long enough walk, two villages could have totally different dialects, totally different industries and ways of living, different food and dress, different cultures and customs, and they may even look just a little bit different physically too. These differences are minor, scaling with distance traveled. In a fantasy world? It's the same, except exaggerated. Made fantastical and unreal by the creator and the reader, so much so that the next village over is not run by humans, but little badgers living in little holes under the ground. They aren't literally the same species under a complex set of genetic rules and cultural histories creating these differences; but instead a way to make that pop and become something that inspires awe and intrigue. This is why I don't mind when a fantasy race is boring or one-dimensional. They're only one-dimensional when compared to the real world, but in the fantasy world? They make up part of the tapestry.

Also to improve this rambling post a bit; a random table you can roll on to worldbuild where all your different fantasy races are actually all from the same place and we should like not fight in race wars in stuff because we're all really the same and stuff.

Universal Origins - Roll 1d8
[1] The Gods each made their own race out of the same special clay. Each is molded to look different and do different things, but in the end, they're all from the womb of the earth. Mortals can do this too, but only a fraction of their power; this is where golems come from.

[2] All of the races were uplifted are from different animals, which came first, and were magically transformed into Man-Shape. Orcs are pigs, elves from foxes, dwarves from goats, humans from flightless birds and so on. What about animal people? They were the first drafts, which is why those races are more bestial and less developed; cast aside as failed experiments.

[3] Do the Goblin Punch thing where all the races are uplifted genetic castes made for specific purposes by a precursor race. But don't make the precursors "true" Elves or some super powerful aliens; make it gnomes. Every time there is a secret plot or evil conspiracy, it's always the fucking gnomes.

[4] The first being in the world had many offspring that it split off from itself to admire creation. These beings are all just pieces of the whole. The eyes of the Elves, the arms and hands of the Dwarves, the horns of the Oni; all pieces of the true being. When the players finally arrange all the pieces together and zap it with lightning to bring it to life, it actually looks really horrific and it's basically a Lovecraftian monster that is their progenitor; not some creature of great beauty and grace.

[5] The world was actually a trial for souls, one representing each race, to overcome adversity and purify themselves to ascend into heaven to sit besides the Throne of God. Each one of these heroes was given a form that representing their emotional state and greatest faults they had to overcome. The Elf was a soul in love with nature and peace, needing to learn how to be practical. The Orc had a fiery temper and had to learn patience, and so on. The problem? The trial is over, they're all gone. It was made for individuals, and their offspring and families were just left behind later. Those ancient ancestral heroes are all chilling in heaven and don't really care about you anymore. You're just the leftovers.

[6] Each race is really from another demiplane that was once perfect for them. Endless rolling green hills for the halflings, toxic swamps with much prey for the lizardfolk, and so on. Eventually, the demiplanes fused together with cosmic planar gravity; the world is its accretion disc. Racism and stuff happens because you kinda weren't meant to ever exist together, so it's hard to adapt. Don't get mad when demons and freaky outsiders try to open portals to your dimension; they're just trying to join in with everyone else.

[7] When God made the world in all its complexity and design he took all the souls of all the people who would ever be born and asked them what they wanted to be and when all of them said they wanted to be kings and beautiful creatures and all powerful he got mad and just mixed them up in a pot and just spilled them out so that's why you're short and stubby and eat your damn mushroom soup.

[8] We all actually "evolved" over a "billions of years" from a single extremely simple creature called a "single celled organism". Scholars laugh at this nonsense; point to the statues of their Gods which look exactly like them. It just makes more sense.

Thursday, August 1, 2024

12 Shawls & Scarves that are actually cool creatures

Free Hireling (w/ random rolled stats)

12 Neck-Pets
[1]
Pocket Ferret. Playful and cuddly. Sleeps on your shoulders but can be coaxed into crawling on people and stealing things straight out of their pockets. Very smart and well trained, but greedy for treats.

[2] Seadragon. Looks like a leafy bit of seaweed or kelp held around the neck, but will put its head up and shoots explosive 1d4 damage bubbles that knock people back if it's master is threatened. Can't survive out of water without a good spell on it.

[3] Feathered Serpent. Bites the end of its tail like a clasp around the neck, otherwise looks like a feather boa. Can fly and spits feverish poison that turns your whole body red and cooks the hair off your scalp. You can survive it by being submerged in water but it'll boil anything smaller then a pond.

[4] Caterpillar. Not good for much but awfully cute and lovable. Keeps you warm in cold climates, consider it as good as a heavy winter coat. After 2d6 seasons of feeding and taking care of it, it inexplicable curls into a hardened cocoon, emerges in 2d6 days, and gives one last look of recognition of its owner being flying off into the sky. You will never see it again.

[5] Vine-strangler. Covered in flowers and green vines which look more like oiled threads. Wraps tightly around anyone else who doesn't smell like its owner, so no touching.

[6] Paper Chain. Looks like the classic people holding hands but will "flip" its appearance and color based on the situation. May looks like villagers dancing one minute, but the next time you get into combat it will look like a bunch of orcs and skeletons slashing each other with axes. The wearer can't be Charmed or Confused while wearing this; the little papers take the brunt of the spells, turning into kissing (or fucking) paper doll figures or dancing around with mugs like some demented craft project.

[7] Living Poppet. Shawls of simple, frayed cloth at the ends, plush head and hands that flatten in fear, clutching close to its owner. You probably made this as a kid and it came to life, even if you don't remember it. Too wholesome to steal or fight anything, but can talk in a tiny whisper (but only to you), usually whatever it is afraid of at the moment is right around the corner. +1 to not be surprised.

[8] Flamingo. Really, really skinny. Beak can break open tough shrimps and crabs, probably works on locks too.

[9] Spiderweb shawl. Looks like something a Drow would wear. Can be used as rope and a net with strong and sticky strands. The "creature" that lives in the web isn't actually a spider, it's a poor little moth that was cursed to be trapped in this spider web and can't get out no matter what you try. Probably made by a Giant Evil Spider.

[10] Sky Ray. Silky gray leather cowl that is actually a magical flying version of a manta ray. Can't actually attack, but getting one of these things loosed at your head is a really good way of interrupting rival magic users while you blast them.

[11] Furry Longspider. It's a more "cute" and "approachable" type of arachnid with long fluffy legs and a small little fat body and a cute little set of horrifying eyes. It's body can fit in the palm of your hands but it's legs are about as long as your arm. It's venom causes paralysis on a bite or poisoned blade after 1d4 turns of application; evolved to bite itself to go to sleep after meals which is why its so limp and fine with being carried around on someone's neck.

[12] Flatbear. Exactly what it sounds like.

Friday, April 12, 2024

8 Legendary Lockpicks (Magic Thieves Tools)

When it comes to fantasy roleplaying; the "cool" loot is not created equal. You have an absolute ton of magic weapons and armors for the fighters, barbarians, and paladins of the party. On the flipside, you have magic wands and staves, orbs, and the entire concept of spell-scrolls and spellbooks for the magic users; but what about the Rogues? The Thieves or Specialists? Perhaps because they aren't as iconic as the standard fantasy fighter, but don't have that obvious supernatural element that Magicians do. 

It's rare you get magic items for characters like this. Aside from magical leather or light armor, which is already pretty uncommon, maybe a magic cloak or dagger if you're lucky, and rings of invisibility or magic winged sandals (that anyone could theoretically use) you really don't get a lot unless you make them yourself. This blogpost is kind of meant to remedy that.

As for "Thieves Tools", we're going with the modern day D&D description of being a small packet or bundle of metal tools and implements used to disarm traps, pick locks, open up wedged doors, and other tricks of the trade for Roguish characters. This is a type of abstraction I'm fine with. For generic high fantasy adventures, this level of abstraction is about right for me. But if you were doing a more serious resource-management dungeon crawler, keeping track of individual numbers of lockpicks, files, etc. may be a better fit for that kind of campaign. In that case, you'd have to adjust the rules to fit this table, which is more meant to be like a form of "equipment" that Rogues use to do stuff and are semi-permanent items, as long as they aren't stolen or thrown down a ravine or whatever.

Treat each of these items as a standard set of Thieves Tools but Magic, meaning they will be protected from your average run of the mill magic traps or barriers that destroy lockpicks put into them and they can't be destroyed by rust monsters or if you accidentally fall into a slime.

8 Legendary Lockpicks
[1] The Elvish Ivory
(+1 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
This set of tools are of a beautiful pearl white, carved and engraved with tree patterns. They look incredibly delicate, but are as strong as standard iron tools, and can still be used to force open and finesse locks and clasps. Because they aren't made of metal, these tools cannot be effected by magnetic forces and as such can be used to disarm magnetic traps or special locks that would fling away traditional tools.

The name is also not merely for the sake of appearances; these tools are actually made from the bones of a single beautiful elvish woman. Legends say that she was the love of the original master-thief who created them. They have changed hands many times and have become somewhat infamous among the world of high-class criminals for their grace and beauty.

[2] The Woeful Set (+0 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
These cruel tools are hooked with barbs and spikes and are made from a very dark, dense metal. Dried blood has set in the grooves that were cut their intentionally for that purpose. The creator of these believed that prying secrets from a prisoner was no different then clicking the tumblers of a stubborn lock.

These tools double as implements for torture. Whenever you use these to torture someone to extract information from them, you can use your lockpicking skill/bonus in the place of intimidation or whatever other social skill is called. Additionally, the set has a strange set of tongs that look like a pair of hands. If you pull someones tongue out of their mouth, you can force them to confess to the last lie they told. This action requires the individual to be helpless or unable to resist given how finicky it is to grab and pull out a slippery tongue- even with magic tools.

[3] Dolphin's Delight (+1 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
Held in a light gray pouch, supposedly made from dolphin leather. The pouch always feels a little damp on the outside, but is always dry on the inside. It's waterproof and can be used to store various notes or dry goods without worry of them getting soaked and destroyed for underwater adventures. 

When someone new gains ownership of these tools, they have a dream that night of swimming in the ocean with a dolphin, before turning into a dolphin and swimming down into the depths of the ocean. After this dream, the thief has the inexplicable ability to hold their breath for up to two exploration turns (twenty minutes)- more then enough time to pick stubborn underwater locks in sunken ships and drowned temples. Also, you can use a special pearl-encrusted tension tool on the mouth of any sea clam and it'll open up, giving you just enough time to grab its pearl before it closes up again.

[4] Juritovi's Dancing Knives (+1 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
Selection of knives held in a roll, lined with fine fox fur. The knives are all very finely made, with well carved wooden handles, and runes carved onto the flat of each blade. Despite being a collection of knives, they are fine, flexible, and strong enough to be crammed into locks and used as prybars for small locked containers and so on.

While not technically thieves tools, these enchanted knives have been the envy of many thieves. When placed out on a roughly table-sized area, they can be verbally commanded and magically dance, hop, and slide around to their owner's wishes- doing whatever is commanded of them. They can slice up vegetables in preparation for a feast, perform some surgery, or commit genocide on a colony of rats. Despite their strength and apparent ability, the knives are absolutely terrible for combat purposes and would rather hide down their owners pant legs then fling themselves at people and attack.

[5] The Knucklebones (+3 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
This set of very old and beat up tools is remarkable for its long legacy. There are many stories about these thieves tools, especially among pirates. Despite their worn appearance, anyone who has laid hands on them will swear by their usefulness and that they must be magic. The name of this set come from the pair of dice always kept with them, which despite what everyone says, are 100% fair and don't guarantee your fortune if you go out and use them to gamble.

This set of dice has the unusual quality of stealing away the skills of experience of thieves who use them. At first, it greatly enhances your abilities and makes you extremely deft, but slowly those who use them find their fingers getting more and more clumsy and more absent-minded, eventually leading to them misplacing the tools and having them stolen by the next victim. Every time you use these tools, there is a 1 in 20 chance that you lose -1 to your rank, X in 6 chance roll, or an associated saving throw permanently.

[6] The Mouse (+2 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
This "tool" is held in a small cloth pouch that is filled with a few small knick-knacks, some straw, and a very sleepy fat little brown rodent. The rat is an otherwise unassuming common household mouse that is blessed with a strange intelligence. Anyone looking into its eyes can see how it is much more then a common mouse, and given how tame it acts when handled, it is more a pet then a tool.

The Mouse can squeeze itself into various machines, locks, in the spaces between walls and is seemingly able to disarm, open, or otherwise manipulate the machines from within using internal levers and its own body. Nobody knows exactly how this rodent gained this level of intelligence or knowledge, but seems to just "know" how machines work. It can be easily bribed with a few grains of wheat or a small chunk of cheese, and is otherwise very affectionate. The mouse still has the lifespan of a regular mouse, which means after buying it from its previous owner it probably doesn't have much time left. Roll 2d6 to determine how many months the mouse has left until it dies of natural causes.

[7] Sha & Sira (+1 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
This is not one set of thieves tools, but two. One is made from a green jade, the other from a blue lapis-lazuli. The sets are otherwise identical, with matching decorations, dimensions, and level of quality. The two sets are from a far off desert land, and are bundled in silk with white and black bands to hold them all in place each. The tools smell faintly of cinnamon.

Despite being named after two famous lovers in legend; they act less like a pair of lovers and more like squabbling siblings. Every time these tools are used, you must specify which set you are using. If you use Sha, you will also gain +1d6 coins inexplicably from chance or find them wrapped in the pouch. (Note: this is only if you use the picks "legitimately", as in while adventuring, doesn't work if you just keep opening/locking the same door over and over to farm coins). If you use Sira, you regain one hit point after successfully opening a lock OR restores one light-turn (lantern/torch) to whatever light source your party is using with a sudden gentle kindling of the flames. These magic effects are constant and always "on", but the picks get jealous if you favor one benefit over the other.

If you use Sha three times in a row, the next time you use Sira you are infected with a common disease.
If you use Sira three times in a row, the next time you use Sha, you are cursed and get -2 to your next Save vs Death.

If you use one of the pair five in a row without using the other once; all of the picks of the other color crack. This is your warning. If you use the uncracked one again (six times in a row), then the next time you open the silk bundle all of the picks will be destroyed and turned to dust and pebbles out of grief. The picks being cracked does not prevent you from suffering the curse of the spurned picks- just use them both evenly and there won't be any problems.

[8] Stolen Heart (+2 to Proficiency Bonus / X in 6 chance)
Appears as a knitted human heart made from bundled up yarn. All of the tools are pierced through it, with special holes for each, which makes it look like a pincushion when they're all in place. The "heart" here is actually a voodoo doll's heart of a spurned lover, who can feel the lockpicks and metal bits piercing their heart each time you use this. The witch who made these tools is very upfront about this, as she is very spiteful, and encourages you to store your other sharp needles and pokers in the heart as well.

The tools are carved with circles and anointed with special oils, giving them a strange spell. When you press these tools against a magic glyph or rune, you will be able to manipulate it on the page much like it was a lock. With proper skill, the "enchantment" of any item can be unlocked, which transforms the rune or symbol into plain common text that explains what the enchantment is or does, and remains that way for one minute. Essentially, you can use these tools to Read Magic or Identify Item; using your Lockpicking skill in place of an Arcana or Lore check.

Monday, February 19, 2024

12 Random Doo-Dads from the wall of a Spaceship

I always hate how cool Sci-Fi art, video game levels, assets, etc. always skip over the granular detail of the worlds they live in. With Faster-Then-Light travel and highly advanced spaceships, the art and description of these always seem to show this extremely detailed and textureful spaceship interiors, with lots of buttons, screens, weird pipes, and other do-hickeys hanging and built into the walls of your highly advanced spacecraft. But they never actually go into detail of what they do, or even more rarely do you ever get a chance to interact with them. I love these little gribbles, but what are you supposed to say if a player or reader randomly wants to interact with one of them? What will they find?

Roll on this list to find out! Conveniently; if you don't like psychic stuff in your sci-fi, you can just roll a d10 instead.


12 Spaceship Wall Doo-Dads
[1]
Moisture Condensers. Black tubes feed your breath and shed skin oils back into the ship's recycler for water and nitrogen content. Everyone knows where the organic mass for your food replicator comes from, you still don't talk about it.

[2] Wall Capacitor. Usually a slightly raised panel with a bunch of buttons on it. Critical ship systems require a constant and uninterrupted flow of power; these act as extra energy batteries all across the ship. You can press the buttons to cut off or redirect the power held in this unit to somewhere else, especially useful for emergency situations.

[3] Gravity Shocks. These are shock absorbers, which look like long metal tubes or sticks along the side of a ship. Filled with compressive rubber cubes or discs. Whenever the ship hits a powerful g-force or gravity distortion, these absorb most of the shock so it doesn't crush the crew or anything else inside the ship. You can get away with a lot less of these then most people have, but it makes the ride more "turbulent". 

[4] Ship Patch Slot. Very thin door or material strip is pulled aside to reveal a tall but thin hole leading much deeper into the hull then you'd think. Only wide enough to put a hand inside. Within are several long, very thin plastic sheets used to patch small holes in the ship- the sheet is placed over the breach and a simple utility laser or low-powered energy weapon can melt the plastic to the wall to make it stick. Used until you can get real repair back in a stardock.

[5] Life Support Unit. Station dedicated to life support systems; oxygen and an appropriate temperature radiate from these to the rest of the room or area in the ship. Thermostat style controls including all breathable gasses, humidity levels, and PH balance. Ship Captains are notoriously strict about other people messing with THEIR preferred life-support settings. "I don't care how much methane your species needs to breathe, do you have any idea how much that's going to increase the fuel cost!?"

[6] Manual Lightswitch. Controls all the little LEDs that go up and down the hallways and flash red when the emergency systems are on. Sounds really dumb but people are used to hundreds of years of automatic doors and the AI dimming and changing the lights for them whenever they enter or leave so this seems like a really primitive, hands-on kind of failsafe.

[7] Charging Cabinet. Gentle, "hands off" method of recharging various atomic batteries and small appliances. Replacing the fuel cell on whatever gadget or tool you have is much faster, but you can use these cabinets as a way to store and also charge up whatever object. Charges about 1% of the items' battery per day, so really slow, but these mean whenever you bring out some ancient gadget or special tool it won't be out of energy from just sitting in a closet somewhere for multiple years.

[8] Hologram Anchor. Filled with mirrored discs and little pendulums to know which way is up- really important piece of equipment to stabilize and act as a reference point for any holograms or visual projections you beam inside the ship. If you don't have one of these the holograms will just be like clipping through the floor and their voices will sound like they're coming from the wrong room because the computer doesn't know where to put them otherwise.

[9] Binding Crank. Most ships use a semi-flexible membrane lattice and rubberized supports to let the vessel have some sway and ability to bend so it is not to brittle. These cranks let you tighten or loosen these supports. Despite clearing being made to be used by the crew- the torque required to turn one of these is so ridiculous that you basically can only get a robot to do it.

[10] Computer Junk-Data Sinks. Thin plastic bars with built in handles shoved into consoles along the wall; these are where routine computer check-sums, unrecoverable RAM, quarantined viruses and glitches are all stored. Often neglected because of how little it effects the overall ship AI's performance and because cleaning them is easy; you just run water on them in the sink. Everyone who got to the future by cryogenic freezing is extremely confused.

[11] Psychic Decoy. Electronic devices that look a bit like a clump of tinfoil. They emit false delta and theta brain signals to make it hard to track how many people are inside the ship and what they are thinking about. However, any psychic worth their crystal are going to notice a bunch of comatose people stacked up along the walls of the ship many times over any reasonable ship of that size would have. It was a bit of a fad back in the day, any old beater or "hand me down" spaceship is probably going to have a bunch of these.

[12] Anomaly Sensor. Looks like a plastic medal hanging on a lanyard. Experienced ship captains hoard these things and hang them everywhere like magic talismans. This is because these sensors have the almost miraculous ability to detect when things are just slightly "off" from normal, letting out a shrill electric beep and flashing a small light with its color based on the danger level- green for benign, yellow for caution, and red for danger. From time distortions, memory-voids, invisible energy viruses infecting your systems, or space madness- all things a computer or robot can't help you with. Nobody really knows how they work, but if you break one open and study its core you'll find a tiny amount of human neural tissue locked inside its circuits.