Wednesday, June 16, 2021

8 SRPG Archetypes, Starters, and Random Tables

Note: This was originally written for a .pdf and because I don't know html very well, I didn't do much formatting for this blog-version. You can find the better pdf version here.


(1) The Hermit of the Valley

You are an middle age/old hermit who lives alone in The Forgotten Valley. It is a beautiful, peaceful, fertile place that nobody lives in but you. You've lived all alone for as long as you can remember.

You have no weapons, magic spells, allies, or money. You live on the plants you grow and are kept company by the songbirds and deer.

But something goes wrong in the valley, and you have to fix it, or else your way of life will end.


#

What Is the Problem?

1

There is a sudden drought.

2

You find an abandoned baby.

3

Man-eating monster awakens.

4

You find a cursed item.

5

Knights come; they say you're the next heir to the throne. You must leave.

6

Elves say the valley is sacred, and you must leave it or else.

7

Devil appears, and tries to tempt you to live a different life.

8

Somebody found gold in your valley. There is now a gold rush to get there.

9

Horrible pests appear. They are eating your crops and will destroy the valley.

10

Tax collector claims you've “owned” the valley for your whole life. Exorbitant.

 

Special Feature-

Optionally- you can have your Hermit have one special trait, skill, or “thing” about them that gives them a fighting chance. Since I like the idea of the Hermit not having anything special at all just as much as having something special; it can just be a 50/50 chance if you want to make it random.


#

Hermit's Special Thing

1

You have a magic compass that points towards anything you ask for.

2

You can talk to animals. You don't know this is weird yet.

3

Your diet and solitary lifestyle has made you as strong as 5 men. You have absolutely zero stomach for violence.

4

You read every day, since you don't have much else to do. You know a great deal about a great many things.

5

You are friends with all the gnomes and pixies that live in the valley. They like you a lot and will try to help you.

6

You know the recipe for a special healing miracle tea. You drink it every day and have no aches and pains.

7

You put your faith in an unknown Goddess of Peace. She is very real, benevolent, and invested in your quest.

8

You have a ring of three wishes. These wishes are minor, the jinn is weak. You could wish for one gold coin, or do something now that would take an hour.

9

You once helped the lost child of a lord. That was so long ago he's the lord now. He said they owe you a favor; does he even remember you?

10

Whenever you get really drunk, you black out and problems resolve themselves. You actually become a drunken master, but are unaware.

(2) The Mute Advisor

You are a scholar, librarian, and part-time mystic. For your great deeds in the university where you work, and because of the fact you are not needed to educate the next generation- you have been chosen to serve as the educated, wise advisor for the King of the land.

But there's a problem- you're mute! You can't talk. You understand speech and written word perfectly fine, but you've never been able to speak. The letter sending you to the royal palace makes no mention of your disability; you are still expected to serve. How will you advise his majesty?


#

How do you communicate?

1

Small flash cards.

2

Pantomime / Charades

3

Your narcoleptic hand-sign interpreter

4

You know a small bit of air-magic. You can use it to make smoke signals.

5

You carry a small flute or panpipes. You blow notes and songs to convey emotion.

6

You have a magic wind chime. Whenever someone asks you a question; it will twinkle if you would have replied “yes”.

7

Wax clipboard to write on. (Paper is too expensive). If it gets really hot, or a fire spell goes off nearby you, the wax melts.

8

You have a pet parrot. You tickle it in certain spots to get it to say certain things. Will say whatever it wants if it can get food out of it.

(Optional)

#

Extra Complication

1

You're deaf as well as mute.

2

The King is illiterate.

3

You were cursed as a child. Your “voice” is the braying of an ass.

4

Everyone thinks you can still talk. Must pretend you have taken a vow of silence.

The Peril-

Though you have just become the advisor, the Kingdom or the King himself are in great peril the moment you arrive and require immediate attention! Failing to do your job could mean the death of you, the King, or far worse.

Roll once on the Peril table. You could roll multiple times for several years or seasons worth of troubles.


#

The Kingdom's Peril

1

An assassin is after the King.

2

The other advisor, who can talk, is evil.

3

You watched the young prince commit an unspeakable act against an innocent.

4

The King's favorite hound is actually a trickster God in disguise.

5

The queen falls ill. Only you can understand the metaphor and code the cure is as written in the ancient book.

6

The Princess has been kidnapped by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Nobody else was there, but you saw it.

7

The illegitimate bastard son of the previous King has come to claim the crown as his own.

8

Extremely complicated trade negotiations with the Dwarves. If the deal is not made, the Kingdom will be impoverished.

9

There is a ghost haunting the royal castle. It appears before you at midnight and says that in three days; it will begin to kill anyone who remains in the castle.

10

The King falls ill and is on his deathbed just a few weeks after you arrive. He has no children. In his dying breath, he declares you the next King. You'll have to tell this to the several ambitious nobles who all think they will be crowned.


(3) The Hungry Beast

You are a powerful, vicious beast of the wilds. With winter soon approaching, you must feed on whatever prey you can to become strong enough to hibernate and give birth to your cubs next spring.

You have found a new type of prey. Weak and slow, they walk on two legs. There is no fur to pick out of your teeth. They have terrible hearing and smell; but their vision is good and they have many strange weapons with them; sticks and stones tipped with bone and stone. You have found your suitable shelter for your hibernation; it is not far from the camp where these beings live. Feed and get fat for the winter.


#

Random Prey Table

1

Group of 1d6 making camp. Killing them while asleep is the safest.

2

One of the larger ones. Carries a stick with a wicked point. Hunter. Fights back.

3

One of the smaller ones. Carries a basket with strange herbs. If you eat her, you will get very sick.

4

Young one of the prey. It reaches out to you not in fear, but to stroke you. It acts like a cub. You don't want to kill this one?

5

Not one of them; but a four legged-beast made stupid, fat, and slow by the two-legged ones. If you return to hunt these a second time you will fall into a trap.

6

An old one of the prey. It will be easy. The next day, you hear wails from the others as they crowd around the bones and put them into the ground.


#

Random Den Special Feature

1

Deep in the cave, something sleeps.

2

Bats roost. Will they drink your blood?

3

Bones of predators litter the floor.

4

Strange smelling air. One spark may ignite the entire cave.

5

Bodies of your prey are here, old, wrapped in foul-smelling leaves.

6

Strange markings on the wall. Don't look like any claw marks you've seen. Did the tools of your prey do this?

The table below is a list of beastly features. You may roll more then once to shape your beast.

#

Beastly Feature

1

Round, swiveling ears.

2

Long whiskers.

3

Venomous fangs.

4

Three rows of teeth.

5

Retractable claws (on front feet)

6

Sharp talons (on back feet)

7

Black skin; can release a shock.

8

Tip of your tail is always burning.

9

Mimic the sounds of their pups.

10

One missing scale; over your heart.

11

Lure light; dangles from your head.

12

Bone spur; launched from the wither.

13

Quill-covered back, curl to roll.

14

White tail. Run faster then a horse.

15

Yellow man. Your roar scares them.

16

Twisted horn. You know their calls.

17

Play dead; release bad smell.

18

Eagle eyes.

19

Snake's tongue.

20

Opposable thumb.

(4) The Platinum Star

In your world, powerful men and women with magical fighting abilities are highly prized; they become popular and very rich. However, it is a rock-star life style, leading to burnout, high pressure, and dying early. These people are called Platinum Stars.

You would have lived a normal life in the modern city where you live, in a small and unimpressive apartment, until you revealed your power. You have the strength to lift a small car, incredible coordination enough to deflect bullets, excellent acrobatic abilities to jump over buildings- and one power below.


#

Platinum Power

1

Insane luck.

2

You have a burning aura that augments your power; growing with your passion.

3

The ability to slow time, while you move normally, for several seconds.

4

The ability to teleport yourself anywhere you can see; nigh-instant transmission.

5

The ability to unleash an unstoppable burst of energy; must be charged up by hitting enemies and expertly timed dodges.

6

If you can physically overpower a foe, you can mentally overpower them too, supplanting their will with your own.

7

The ability to create clones of yourself. Each clone shrinks you a small amount and lowers your power; but you can regenerate from even a single clone.

8

You can create fantastical weapons and armor out of nearby objects. Glass bottles can become a cannon, a leaf becomes a cloak that can make you invisible, etc.

Being a Platinum Star means great risk. While you have these incredible abilities; you are expected and pressured to battle the foes, who may or may not attack and kill random civilians and attempt to destroy society.

Roll once on the Foe table for each “arc”.

#

The Foes

1

Witches.

2

Angels & Demons. Mortals caught in an eternal crossfire.

3

Strange creatures from the sea. They get bigger week by week.

4

Normal people consumed by vice and sin transform into aberrant monsters.

5

Abstract, fractal, fiendish creatures from another dimension.

6

The Dead. They return from the earth; powerful ghosts and skeletal warriors. They know all that the dead would know.

7

Dog headed men who claim this world is sinful and must be destroyed. Can perform miracles; but twisted and evil.

8

War machines- contracted by evil corporations or left over from a great world-spanning war.

9

Race of underground beings. They have their own modern technology, a dark mirror to humanity and the world above. Ruled by giant worms that can swallow cities.

10

Aliens. True aliens are rare, most of their soldiers are people abducted, mutated, and act as sleeper agents in society. True aliens are powerful psychics and shapeshifters.

(Optional)

#

Friend who gets you into Trouble Table

1

Attractive childhood friend.

2

Nosy, overly-smart pet.

3

Platinum mentor who pushes your limits.

4

Washed out celebrity. Brags about being your friend- can hook you up.

5

Old hippy guy; insists the foes are just misunderstood and you can work it out.

6

Your Platinum Star rival. Roll a different power for them. They get more and more jealous the more you surpass them.

(5) The Explorer

Never satisfied with a boring life; you have spent your life wanting more. After much training and socializing, you manage to acquire special funding and a crew from the powers that be to go on an expedition! Fame and fortune, but also incredible danger await you.

The tech period here is up to you; but I imagine an early modern / age of discovery sort of level.


#

Expedition to an Unreachable Place

1

Airship to a flying island.

2

Ancient tombs within endless desert.

3

Time Machine. Speak with the savior.

4

Steamboat. Find source of greatest river.

5

Vessel to the moon; must make diplomacy with the strange people who live there.

6

Submarine to an giant (air filled) dome at the bottom of the sea.

7

Method found to “enter” into a painting. The world within is as the author may have envisioned it.

8

Shrinking-machine; go inside a person's body. May be tasked with “defeating” an incurable disease inside wealthy patron.


#

Trouble Table

1

Hostile Natives.

2

Devious Traps.

3

Dangerous Wildlife.

4

Vessel/Machine malfunctioning.

5

Crew's interpersonal drama.

6

Getting lost or roadblocked.

7

Race against a immoral rival.

8

Once there; you won't want to leave.

9

Patron insists on capitalizing your efforts. You think it belongs in a museum.

10

Secret society is against your expedition. One of your crew members is a spy.


The crew are the important NPCs who will join you on your journey. You may roll as many times as you need to round out your crew, or as many as you could reasonably employ on your vessel.


#

Crew Member Table

1

Useless aristocrat.

2

Jolly fat chef.

3

Plucky errand boy / apprentice.

4

The Stowaway.

5

Studious naturalist.

6

Cynical doctor.

7

Kind hearted animal-handler.

8

Self-interested mercenary/guard.

9

The unusual, foreign guide.

10

Loyal hound.

11

Drunk, layabout engineer.

12

Nervous translator / scholar.

13

Dubious mystic.

14

Hot headed youth.

15

Cocky pilot.

16

Oblivion-To-Danger Reporter

17

Unhinged mad scientist

18

Surprisingly normal explosive-expert.

19

Weirdly obsessed Geologist

20

Insightful, quiet psychologist.

Once you've rolled your crew, you must then choose your role on the expedition, picking whatever remaining job or role you would need on this dangerous expedition.

(6) The Guru

You are a wise, reclusive hermit. You have rejected all earthly pleasures, and instead focus your life on spiritual pursuits and inner peace.

While there were many like you, you once managed to perform a miracle. Because of this miracle, it has proven your spiritual purity and strength- it has elevated you from a common wise man into a traveling guru, spreading wisdom and righting wrongs.


#

Your Miracle

1

Calmed a rampaging beast with a touch

2

Lit a candle in a rainstorm; did not die out.

3

Touched a warlord's sword; it rusted away.

4

Your sweat turned to pearls once.

5

Shoo'd away dark clouds on a nice day.

6

Handful of maggots turned to rice.

7

Put up a flag of peace in a war. Flames and arrows just passed through it.

8

Arrested for begging for alms; the shackles refused to close around your wrists.

9

Young maiden lost her clothes. You waved your hand over her; not one could see her until she could get home and change.

10

You once asked a tree to keep its shadow approaching a hot noon to shade a dying man. It obliged you.

11

There was once a lost soldier on the wrong side of the sea. You stuffed him into a pelican's mouth, and sent him home.

12

Once, a thief wanted to return what he stole, but lost it. You pointed to a random spot on the ground; there it was buried.

This miracle is something you did in the past, but does not necessarily mean you can do it again. Divine inspiration only strikes rarely, but you can still have abilities beyond the keen of the average man. After all; you are a enlightened one.

As a wandering mystic, you will come across a town which has been consumed over a type of sin, or the entire town has been disheveled by one single, especially egregious sin.


#

The Sin

1

Lust

2

Gluttony

3

Greed

4

Sloth

5

Wrath

6

Envy

7

Pride

8

Attachment

Can you mend the spiritual wounds and bring enlightenment to this place?

(Optional)

#

Town's Reception to a Holy Man

1

Total ignorance to spirituality.

2

Feigned ignorance to spirituality.

3

Corrupting; want you to look away.

4

All silent; except one true believer.

5

Hostile. Close doors, throw stones.

6

Pretend to have it under control; men in false copy of your robes spout nonsense; pretend to be wise.


(7) The Cursed Ghost

You are a ghost. Long since dead, your spirit is vengeful, and carries with it a deadly curse. Because of your unresolved pathos in life, you cannot pass on to the next, and must haunt the living instead.

You have a condition which must be triggered for you to begin your curse on someone. Your only goal once someone has been cursed is to kill them or hurt them by whatever means.

Optional- since this character concept doesn't have a set “end” point or victory condition, you could turn it around to say that the ghost only kills the first group of people who activate the curse, and from then on the curse is broken. Or, the ghost is a revenant who only seeks revenge for those who killed it when it was a person. You could also determine a special method of exorcism based on the ghost's weakness that can end you for good.


#

What begins the curse?

1

Opening your tomb.

2

Sleeping underneath your sacred tree.

3

Removing a paper talisman

4

Anyone who says your name.

5

Anyone who hunts one of the pygmy rhinos that live in your sacred grove.

6

Anyone who jumps over the wall of brown stones you built when you were alive.

7

Casting spells or “bad” spells in the vicinity of your final resting place.

8

Anyone who tries to bring harm to your grandson; who you'll never meet.

9

Your family left behind a large vault of coins. Any bankers or tax-collectors who try to take from the vault are cursed.

10

If anyone is killed by a cursed dagger; you are cursed to pursue their family even in death. You may be trying to break the curse as well, as you have no choice to do evil.


#

How do you kill people?

1

Spooking them to death.

2

Freeze them with ghostly chill.

3

Spread sickness to the cursed.

4

Cause accidents and misfortune.

5

Can cause wounds to appear from your invisible hands.

6

You can possess animals. While in the form of an animal; its eyes glow.

7

You are a poltergeist and can move objects around; trip people down stairs.

8

You can appear as anyone within a person's dreams. You must convince them to eventually commit suicide.

9

Your corpse is intact and can be temporarily brought back to life. Every time you kill with it, you regain some youth and life until eventually you could be reborn.

10

You can place a “death mark” on a person's hand. Most people will reject or flee from the person; eventually they will die from being outcast or killed by the superstitious.

While you may seek to fulfill the curse; you have a single spiritual weakness present. The cursed don't know this yet, but can learn it to hold you at bay.


#

Ghost's Weakness

1

Circle of salt.

2

Silver-lined mirror.

3

Sight of the Cross.

4

No power in the light.

5

Cannot harm a virgin.

6

Spiritual incense renders you temporarily powerless and put you in slumber.

7

You are scared away by gargoyles and ugly ritual masks made for this purpose.

8

Cats can see you. They can pounce on you and pin you down until they leave.


(8) Magic Guitar

At the player's discretion, you can replace this with any other instrument. (Or any artform; but will require some table rewrites).

You aren't a person, you are a guitar. Magical, having been owned by just about every rockstar and blues artist at some point, you fall into the hands of a young, unknown talent. Your only “goal” is to bring fame and fortune to whoever plays you. This game could also be played episodic, traveling through different eras and genres of music; with the guitar changing hands and bringing its abilities along with it.


#

What do you do?

1

Grant creative inspiration.

2

Grant incredibly luck.

3

Increase skill and growth.

4

Grant incredible sex appeal.

5

Manipulate fate to cause one specific moment to happen, or saving owner's life.

6

Find your way back to your current owner, no matter what, until its time to move on.

7

Songs played on you are unnaturally catchy and ear-wormy. Maybe only once per owner if you want to be a “cursed” guitar.

8

Anyone who plays you gains incredible fame and fortune, but from the fast rise comes a very brutal fall. You may be “cursed”.


(Optional)

In a historical or fictional version of reality, you may be the instrument that invents a new genre of music when put in the hands of a young talent, OR you may be a magical guitar that is incredibly good at creating one specific genre of music.


#

Random Guitar-Genres Table

1

Blues

2

Punk

3

Soul

4

Mariachi / Folk

5

Metal

6

Rock

7

Pop

8

Country

(Optional)

Your legacy ends when;

#

Guitar Destruction Table

1

Lost in a pyrotechnic fire

2

Buried with your owner

3

On a sunken ship

4

Broken when the band splits up

5

Left somewhere; slowly rot away

6

Held in a museum. Immortal, but silent.

7

Destroyed by a religious / political extremist group. Guitars are “too rebellious”.

8

The guitar remains, but the magic disappears after a final, climatic performance that rocks the world.

Monday, June 14, 2021

8 Swamp Witch Spells

Art @Igor Khomsky (minor NSFW)


[1]
Frog in your Throat - 1st level
The target of this spell will cough and choke, and then their voice will sound groggy, deep, and froglike. This has the effect of giving the target a -1 to Charisma modifier (to humans) and they can mimic the croaking of a frog if they choose.

The second, and more useful power of this spell, is swearing. If the target of this spell speaks a particularly nasty string of insults and swearwords to a person's face, and they get offended, the frog will jump out of their throat and onto the fact of the person they offended, crawl into their mouth and deal 1d4 poison damage while giving them an exact copy of this spell, refreshing its duration. Not everyone cursed by this spell will know this ability however, and you can become immune to the secondary power of this spell by simply choosing to get not get offended- make an easy save modified by Wisdom to hold your temper.

[2] Lily Following - 1st level
This spell magically enchants lily pads to follow anything that is moving under water. Even if otherwise invisible, trawling the bottom, or moving very quickly this spell will act as a beacon that lets you follow a hidden or underwater threat. If enough Lily pads are present, it can even block vision and light from the water to above the water by crowding the surface with the pads; the surface is unaffected as it is assumed the water will be too murky to see into anyway.

[3] Gather Gas - 1st level
Magically draws gas from sight-range towards a single area, object, or person. The gas will become thicker and thicker. Corpse gas, natural vapor rising from hotsprings, or swamp gas are all toxic and will all deal 1d6 damage per turn on a failed save you're standing in the cloud. Gas, especially in a swamp, can also be flammable causing a massive explosion if ignited.

Additionally; the user of this spell can gather gas into an orb. The gas orb has the same size, range, and area of effect as a fireball, but is just harmless gas until released. If somebody shoots a flaming arrow at the gas ball while its still in the caster's hands, it'll blow up right there and deal 3d6 damage to the caster who is preparing to launch it.

[4] Suffocating Blanket - 2nd level
This spell can only be cast on someone who is under water. When they try to surface, the water becomes difficult to breach, as though as stiff blanket. If you have a bladed weapon, you can make an attack roll vs AC 12 to breach the water "blanket" with a sharp poke. If you can't stab through it, you'll need to make a hard save to swim along to find an opening- otherwise you'll start to drown.

[5] Watercreep - 2nd level
This spell makes water creep up the body of the target and increases the height of the water- but just for them. If it's up to your ankles, it'll crawl up to your waist. If it's up to your waist, it'll go up to your neck. Any higher and it will cover your whole body and you'll have to find a way to escape or else you'll start drowning. Give penalties to movement speed, To-Hit, AC, and so forth based on how high up the water is on the person's body.

You can bet that a clever Witch will cast this and then cast Suffocating Blanket right after. The water takes time to creep up your body with this spell, meaning moving constantly can avoid it climbing up on you. While moving in this frantic manner, you must move at your maximum movement speed even if it would be tactically disadvantageous and all your attacks are made at -2 from not having time to get into a good position or aim well with range.

[6] Call Familiar (Alligator) - 3rd level
This powerful spells calls forth the Witch's familiar- a 650 pound swamp alligator. It takes 1d4+1 rounds for the gator to reach the fight if the Witch is surprised, otherwise it will be instant if she is surprising you; she sent for him before the fight started.

The Aligator is a 4+2 HD giant reptile with a 1d8+1 bite attack. It has 14 AC and has witch symbols burnt black into its thick skin. It can swim and drag people under, as well as deathroll on a hit with a bite attack- target must save or be automatically hit next round, but the alligator can't change targets. Also as a reptile its susceptible to cold damage; if hit by 10% of its hit points or more in cold damage in a round, its speeds is halved and it attacks with disadvantage from being chilled.

Learning this spell doesn't actually give you a cool 'gator familiar, you have to wrestle one into submission and perform a ritual of binding to make one your animal familiar. Why is a spell that calls your familiar a 3rd level spell? Simple- the alligator really can't be bothered to help you out and you need some powerful magic to force it to do so.

[7] Tongue of Corruption - 3rd level
Anyone who wishes to cast this spell may not have sung a hymn for the past week, otherwise, your tongue is too respectable and not loathsome enough for this spell.

The caster's tongue becomes a giant, poison-shooting centipede on the usage of this spell. You can still talk and cast spells, but they are guttural and come from your chest. The centipede comes out of your mouth and writhes around, several feet of sorcerous corruption. Every round, it spits poison at nearby creatures, friend of foe to the caster. The poison can be shot beyond a stone's throw and is extremely accurate. This poison deals 1d6 damage when it touches someone, but if it gets in the eyes (save to avoid), mouth (attempting bite attack), or in wounds (if the target has half or less hit points) then it deals 2d8 + the caster's level or HD in damage.

The centipede can be killed by targeting it with a slicing weapon and performing an attack roll of 16 or better. The caster can attempt to control the centipede and who it is shooting at (or make it stop shooting poison at their allies) by using a save vs spells against their own magic. If they fail the save, the centipede does whatever it wants. This spell lasts for three rounds.

[8] My Thirst for the Willows - 4th level
This spell requires a ritual where the spellcaster drinks water from any source. The source of water must be something you can already drink, so not from an ocean or anything. Once you drink that water, you are forever bound to it and your thirst cannot be sated by any other source or spring of water. If you pick a lake, then you must always drink from that lake. If you pick a well, then you must always drink water pulled up from that well, and so on. How the water gets there doesn't matter, only that that place is where your water must be from. You can also store that water for later and it is just fine, but if the water mixes with another water sourced elsewhere it becomes useless. In practical terms, you cannot move far away from your source of water without extreme cost or risk for any extended period of time.

In return for this pact, you gain the ability to control the water and wildlife in that place. Anything that drinks from the water in that place is bound to you in a way, granting +1 to reaction checks with intelligent creatures, and +2 or automatic pacification for animals or monsters. You can also ritually bar someone from drinking from your water by casting a ritual where you burn an item of theirs or likeness of them and sprinkle its ashes into the water. From then on, that source of water cannot sate them and every drop they drink has no use for them.

Finally, those with those spell active gain an additional spell slot of any level they wish. This special spell must be prepared while within the cool waters where they sate their thirst; so if your source was a well, you'd need to go to the bottom of the well every time you want to fill this spell slot. The spell is otherwise cast as normal.

Saturday, June 12, 2021

50 Goblin Attacks


[1]
The goblins have smeared some foul-smelling oil on their heads. They lit it before going into battle; perform flaming headbutts. Take 1 damage a round but +1 damage when they hit.

[2] They're riding a "powerful" war beast. Roll 1d6

  1. Goat. 1d2 headbutt.
  2. Pig with armor; rider has +2 AC
  3. Wolf, stats as wolf. Will focus all its energy on killing its rider if they're knocked off.
  4. Big worm. Slow. Will be the last to fight party. Doesn't really do anything.
  5. Slime. 1 in 6 chance goblin gets absorbed and fucking dies each round.
  6. Man. Two rounds to help him out of bondage gear : new grateful level 0 hireling.

[3] Swing pendulum traps at you. They laugh and don't notice them swinging back to hit them.

[4] Poop throwers. Pretty gross, but they'll realize they forgot to carry actual weapons after three rounds of pelting you.

[5] They make a very obvious disguise of three goblins in a trenchcoat, try to learn "fellow human secrets from fellow humans like me because I am a human. Let us go to sleep now, my human friends."

[6] Long wooden spears. They have four goblins on each, run at full speed and try to ram you. Might actually do 1d8 or so damage. On a miss they ram into a wall and all fall down like morons.

[7] Give you a young, cute goblin girl to be your slave wife, demand massive bride-price you can't pay. If you actually pay it, they'll just kind of leave you with her while being confused. She'll be pretty confused too, because she forgot to stab you in the back while you were arguing.

[8] Goblins load up into a barrel and shove themselves down a slope at you. Didn't account for dizziness.

[9] The goblin shaman leaves behind a cursed item on the ground, very obviously made by goblins. They can't stop whispering and giggling around the nearest corner.

[10] Leave behind a few dead adventurer/goblin bodies on the ground. The goblins have put carnivorous larva inside the bodies which will pop out and attack if you loot them. Actually a pretty good trap.

[11] Burning book. Tries to 'close' it on your hand or face, thinking its going to do significantly more damage then just hitting you with the book, or throwing it.

[12] Severed, clawed hand of another monster or undead creature tied to the goblin's wrist. Tries to punch you with them. 1 in 8 chance it's a ghoul claw and still carries paralysis.

[13] They sling little clay balls with mild acid at the core. Will weaken your armor by -1 AC if not washed off after battle.

[14] Goblins shoot themselves out of a catapult made of big monster bones and stuff. 1 and 3 chance to make it over the wall or pit.

[15] Goblin "martial artist" wants to show off his new secret move. It's just a dick punch.

[16] Goblin has stolen a cool orc prosthetic, and chopped off the appropriate body parts for it. It's hilariously oversized on him.

[17] Goblin has produced a giant spiked dice, used in "death gambling". It's not a very good weapon, but if you ask him about death gambling he'll stop attacking you to talk about it; and it's really cool. Basically you jump down in a pit while goblins throw giant iron dice at you and you try not to get crushed. If you're a human it's really easy (because the dice are meant to crush goblins and not people), they'll catch on to this after you win a few thousand coins.

[18] Fat goblin. Jumps on people from above.

[19] Fat goblin. Heavily armored, has a large piece of scrap metal as a sword. He's the goblin's elite unit. Stats as bandit.

[20] Goblin's hidden in a great pot of stew, breathing through reeds. The stew was cold when they got in. If you take more then a turn to check it out, they'll boil alive and die.

[21] These goblins made wings out of random junk and giant-insect body parts. Actually kind of ok at gliding or negating fall damage, surprisingly enough. They want to drop down from above you, holding daggers in their mouths for when they land, not realizing you can just hold your spear upwards.

[22] Goblins on a horse! Seven goblin "knights" all riding one horse. The horse is terrified of them. Every time it rears up 1d4 goblins get knocked off.

[23] Two goblins swinging around a dead man's poleaxe.

[24] Goblins fire gremlin/runtish goblin out of a crossbow. Launched directly at your face. Takes a round to pull the little fucker off.

[25] Goblin has a loud maraca filled with beads and bone-bits. Since it scares other goblins, assumes it will scare you as well.

[26] Goblins wait until you're asleep. Then walk into your camp, wake you up, and inform you that "we're not actually here you are DREAMING this right now!"

[27] Goblin pastry chef attacks you with tears in his eyes. He's lost his goblin-hood according to other goblins, constantly belittled for making nice things. They forced him into this.

[28] Goblin attacks you with a dead fish. Tongue-consuming bug parasites come out and try to crawl in your mouth. Stats as 1 hit-point creatures. If they reach your mouth, save or have them bite off your tongue and replace it in function. You can still talk and cast spells and eat and stuff, you just sound weird. Also very gross.

[29] Goblins are wearing lizard skin armor. They get +1 AC. They know the lizard skin is magic and can regenerate after being cut. Didn't think how they were going to get out of the suits once they put them on, since if they try to cut themselves out it will just grow back.

[30] These ones are carrying "booger bombs"- severed heads of sick goblins who had their noses stuffed up and then were decapitated once the pressure started to make their skull muffin out. If thrown and hits something hard the "head" will explode dealing 1d2 damage and coating everything nearby in sticky boogers until cleaned off.

[31] Buried themselves in the sand to pop out and attack. They forgot to cover up their ears, which have turned a dark emerald after being badly sunburnt.

[32] Carrying a pot of boiling stew on its back. Will spin around to try and fling it on you; if you hit him he falls down and it pours out all over his head.

[33] Goblins armed with metal pipes- bang against rocks to make lots of noise in an attempt to scare you off. If you wait a few rounds their pipes will be bent and useless.

[34] Goblins have forced a hedgehog to swallow a bit of line and a fish hook. Hold onto the line and spin it around as a flail.

[35] Goblins are posed as tax collectors. They come to you demanding your gold. They throw around words like interest, duty, principle, deductions, rate, and tariff basically interchangeably.

[36] Goblins on stilts. Bladed condoms.

[37] Goblin has found a magic hammer. Holds it by the wrong end; still releases a chain lightning bolt on hit- will hit the goblin first, then bounce to you.

[38] Goblin suicide bomber.

[39] Goblin magician has bargained with dark entities for power. Has 1 HP, crippled, carried in a wooden cart by other goblins, knows a 1st or 2nd level spell.

[40] Absolute psychopath of a goblin had his arms and legs removed and replaced with blades. Can spider crawl on the ceilings, do breakdance cutting moves. Terrifying.

[41] Goblins have taken homemade "goblin grease" and smeared it across a smooth stone floor in this part of the dungeon, while lobbing spears and rocks. Try to goad you into running at them.

[42] Several cages containing "trained" giant rats are released towards your party. They are "trained" in the sense that the goblins point them at you first, but they will attack anything.

[43] Goblins have several long poles. They don't try to hit you, moreso just push you onto the spike and pit traps they know are nearby.

[44] Curse-Hoarder goblin. Group of goblins have one dedicated to getting cursed by everything- he's so badly cursed its basically contagious. Deals no damage on a hit, but the next time you roll a saving throw it's an auto-fail from his bad luck.

[45] The goblins have woven a net from bat hair and cave vines. Big enough for a goblin, not for a human. After they throw it on you- they are confused for one round.

[46] Goblins have flaming/explosive oil. Couldn't make something watertight, so they just carry it in their mouths instead. Try to spit on your torch; they cough and sputter for 1d3 rounds afterwards.

[47] Five to ten goblins with slings, lined up in a row, firing volleys of sling bullets. If you squeeze them into a tight space by getting them to chase you; they'll accidentally knock each other out by swinging the bits of cloth they're using too hard and hit each other in the head.

[48] Goblin mime. Done up in white and black paint on their body, does weird hand gestures as goblin's sneaking around drop props or flip switches to make the mime's motions reality. The mime is so into the role that he'll respond appropriately to your own hand gestures too.

[49] Mad scientist goblin has figured out how to make a chainsaw, basically. Four goblins are spinning wheels behind him on a box with a cable that connects to the chainsaw device to power it. If you just slash the cable it stops it, easy.

[50] Goblin fungus-shaman yells at you- saying you're all about to die. Feeds glowing red mushrooms to his subordinates. Nothing seems to happen and the goblins despair. If any are alive 3 rounds later they mutate, gain +2 HD, turn red, and become as big as orcs.