The full title of
this game was closer to “greedy dickhead barbarians who want to
rape and pillage and you play as the bad guys (as in the
barbarians)”, but I couldn't really find a way to sum that up
sufficiently. Also, this entire game premise was inspired by one
picture.
Dickhead Barbarians
You're a bunch of
barbarians. You live in a land of ice and storms. Your people are not
smart- though they are tall and strong, most math does not progress
beyond counting on the fingers. You get angry easily, and beat your
wife to take out your frustrations. You farm greasy, measly potatoes
that are just as often caked in rot as not. Craftsmanship does not
exist beyond the most basic of armor and weapons- all art is shunned
except for the epic poetry of your ancestors and their martial deeds.
Your industries exist only off of the ever-shrinking supply of game
and fur to trap. Your shamans channel the demands of evil, gluttonous
gods who are the only reason you are still alive in their wretched
land; despite the constant human sacrifice, painful scarification,
and horrible nightmares that these divine beings tend to inflict upon
you and your people.
But far away,
there is a city. It is a huge walled place, where the sun shines
brightly and green plants grow strong and tall. The city is somehow
touched by the sun and warmth, snuggled between two mountain passes.
Past this massive walled city, which is like a fortress, these people
live in green and plenty. The people here are kindly, advanced in
math and science. They eat well and many are even fat. They possess
healing arts; their priesthood are women- sun priestesses who channel
the power of fire and life. The people there only worship the Sun,
the life giving, and the only spirit that speaks to them is the Old
Man in the Stone. It makes no demands or sacrifices, only imparting
wisdom and then slumbering again for another generation. Sometimes
these people, who you have dubbed “the nice people”, send envoys
to your lands. They tell you to not beat your children, and educate
them with runes and writings instead. They give you blankets freely,
to ward off the chill, and have even sent breeding pairs of domestic
yaks and arctic rabbits for your people to farm. The moment these
envoys return back to the mountain pass, these animals are quickly
devoured and your bellies filled.
You
know what? Fuck
the nice people.
Dickhead Barbarian Generation
When you create
your character, roll a d20
If
you roll a 1 or 2, you are a Pygmy.
If
you roll a 3, 4, 5, or 6, you are an Ice
Warrior.
If
you roll a 18 or 19, you are a Shaman.
If
you roll a 20, you are a Cannibal
Giant.
If
you roll anything else, you are just a Barbarian.
Pygmies are small.
They are even a little smaller then the nice people, who already are
about a head shorter then the average man of your race. You are not
treated very well among the Dickhead Barbarians. You are commonly
beaten, berated, insulted, and stolen from since there isn't much you
can do about it. This has made you crafty. You can pass as a Nice
Person from a distance, if you're wearing a shawl and hide or dye
your devil-red hair. You can sneak through windows without making a
sound, and you can slit throats of sleeping foes without them waking
up and screaming. You can also excuse yourself from any combat once
the dice have been rolled- your “honor” isn't worth much.
You
have a combat value of One-Half
and can take One
wound before you start dying.
Ice Warriors are
tormented individuals. Usually they are bastard children, who are not
treated well in Dickhead Barbarian culture. Almost all were once poor
and own no land. Most of them, chosen between lonely suicide and
absolute poverty, undertook a great pilgrimage. The Ice Warrior
wandered the coldest lands to the north, even less hospitable then
your homeland, and kept going until they found the pools of water in
the ice that never melts. By drinking a handful of water, each drop
burning your throat like fire, you became one with frost and it was
the only way you were able to return. Around the ice pools remains
the bones of those who didn't have the strength to sip from those
cruel waters. Your eyes turned bright blue and your skin always cold.
You are now immune to fire and are also tougher then a normal man.
You
have a combat value of One
and can take Three
wounds before you start dying.
The Shaman are the
religious elite of your people, while respected and feared by the
people, also the subject of terrible burning brands placed upon your
skin and the subject to many experiments that drained your body. You
were changed by the gluttonous gods. You also know some basic arts of
healing and can suck the venom out of another person's veins; doing
so takes a character out of the Dying state from poison and puts it into
you as one wound. As a Shaman, you have the powers of magic, and can
cast one of three spells. Roll a 1d3 to determine what spell you get;
By chewing up
a handful of grasses from your homeland, mixed with your own blood
you create by biting your cheek, and chewing for a few minutes (at
least one exploration turn), you can create a solid nugget of black
bile. This black bile can be spit into the wound of a warrior and
rubbed in to heal them, which works on both burns from fire as well
as the wounds of swords and spears. You can also spit this nugget
directly in the mouth of one of the Nice People (they must be
captured and helpless for this) and when they struggle and swallow
the nugget it will force them to answer one question you ask them
truthfully. The grasses used in this spell can only be gathered and
prepared correctly by a shaman, but are not especially rare or
valuable. You can prepare about 5 uses of this spell each time you
leave your homeland and you venture to the land of the Nice People.
By scratching
and clawing at your bare skin and giving yourself one wound, you can
make any animals that hear your screams go into a berserk panic.
Horses buck their riders, sacred komodos rush at the nearest mammal
in a hungry craze, loyal dogs flee or bite their masters. You also
gain permanent claws on your hands, long and twisted, a 'gift' from
the gluttonous gods that have so marked you. You can use these claws
as well as any weapon, thus you cannot truly be unarmed unless your
hands are cut off from your body- if you have this power increase
your combat value to One.
By chanting
prayers and waving your arms through an angry, feral dance you can
whip up the winds. The winds howl overhead and can be directed by
your motions; putting out fires, knocking away arrows, or breaking
the morale of cowards. You can use this power whenever you wish, but
only outdoors and only at night.
You
have a combat value of One-Half
and can take Two
wounds before you start dying.
The Cannibal
Giants are a rare breed among your people. Mothers who give birth to
a giant are often killed by it; even the baby is huge. They are pale
skinned and have six fingers on each hand. Strangely, they are among
the most calm and simple creatures that live as a Dickhead Barbarian,
save for their roughly one month cycle of an inescapable urge to kill
and eat another living person. They stand about a head and a half
taller then even a standard Dickhead Barbarian, making you even more
utterly terrifying to the Nice People. You can break the morale of
untrained soldiers just by charging at them.
You
have a combat value of Two
and can take Three wounds before you start dying.
The Regular
Dickhead Barbarians are the standard, normal man among your number.
They live hard lives, and are jealous and angry at the world, and at
the Nice People in particular. Whilst not special in any given way,
the standard barbarian gets an extra piece of equipment for free.
You
have a combat value of One
and can take Two
wounds before you start dying.
Equipment
Whenever you
generate a Dickhead Barbarian, you get to pick two items. Regular
Dickhead Barbarians roll 1d10 and get a random extra common item for free. Along
with these, you automatically cobble together what funds and food you
can to have enough food to travel for two weeks, a set of warm
traveling clothes, and a sturdy, well made iron axe.
[1] Sword-
This is a status symbol among the barbarian people. Every man is
trained in use of the axe, but the sword is a nobler weapon. As long
as you possess a sword, you can parry enemy attacks and no longer
take a wound on a tied combat roll- it does not improve your combat
value.
[2] Javelin-
Just a ranged weapon. Lets you engage with enemies up small
embankments, or plant them in the ground to make a make shift
barricade. Your barbarians can use bows but don't make them or train
with them- the gods consider it coward's warfare.
[3] Shield- Painted with clan colors. Can be used to protect
you from the first wound you would take on a campaign- either from
weapons or fire arrows (but not magic fire). Lost after one use.
[4] Healing Kit-
Filled with ointments, bandages, basic surgical tools, and strong
alcohol. Healing kits can be used to heal normal wounds, but not
wounds from fire. Each has 2 uses.
[5] Packbeast-
This poor, shrunken little donkey is what passes for a domesticated
beast of burden among the Dickhead Barbarian people. It can carry
stuff for you but more importantly it can be used as a source of food
in case you run out; a group of men can eat for about a week off one
donkey.
[6] Grappling Hook-
Used to climb walls, obviously. You can't climb the main outer wall
of the great city of the Nice People with just this.
[7] Poisoned Meat-
Can be fed to dogs by throwing it over a fence or thrown in the path
of a rampaging komodo-beast. Normal
komodo beasts and many other well-trained war animals of the Nice
People will not eat it. If a Cannibal Giant finds this meat during
one of their “episodes” and isn't told it is poisonous they won't
be able to help themselves from eating it. Anything that eats this
meat will die after one turn.
[8] Wooden Mask-
The Nice People are sometimes said to be frightening by the size and
harsh faces of the Dickhead Barbarians. Wearing this mask may put
them at ease long enough to draw them out.
[9]
Helmet- Makes you
immune to the extra wounds caused by slingers.
[10] Battering Ram-
Capped in iron, it is quite a struggle to keep a log of this size
from being burned to survive a winter in the barbarian homelands,
making it quite valuable. Can be used to batter down doors a little
faster then chopping through with axes- requires two men to carry it
around or one Cannibal Giant. Those who carry it cannot sneak around,
as it is very cumbersome.
[11] Horn of Ice-Water-
Hollowed out horn of a goat- within is a small amount of water from
the mysterious ice pool. Away from the magical pools they lack the
power to change a normal man into an Ice Warrior, but drank by a
normal man they can gain immunity to fire as the Ice Warriors have
for one day's worth of campaigning.
[12] Bloody Warpaint-
Crafted by the shamans, this magical warpaint can be put on a warrior
before a battle to increase their combat value by one. It fades after
this one battle, and cannot be used if you are surprised in an
ambush- it must be prepared and applied over an exploration turn.
Surprise
Whenever you get
into a fight, first determine if either side has surprise. Surprise
in this case is an ambush; attacking a camp at night, drawing your
weapon during a peaceful truce, leading them into an ambush, coming
out of a disguise and so on. If two forces meet around a corner or
you bust into a house with soldiers in it it's not surprise, that's
just normal.
If
you surprise
the enemy, you may deal one
wound worth of damage to a single, high value target among the enemy
ranks. This one wound of damage is done regardless of the actual
combat value of the unit inflicting it; as long as you had a method
to deal that damage. Using javelins or pygmies, for example, are both
great methods of this.
If
the enemy surprises
you, then one character in your party takes a wound at random.
Combat Resolution
Add up the total
combat value of all the units on both sides; both the Dickhead
Barbarians (players) and the forces of the Nice People (or other
Dickhead Barbarians, since infighting will probably happen)
Then, each side
rolls a 1d6 and adds it to the combat value.
The side with the
higher combat value wins.
If the players
win, they kill or route all of the defending units. Most of the Nice
People can only take one wound and then they die, but some named
characters may instead take a wound and flee, or be put into the
dying state and then flee, but will die by the end of the day.
If the other side
wins, the players all roll and have a 1 in 3 chance to take a wound
and are repelled.
If
the battle is a tie, both sides are repelled and no headway is made.
The players all have a 1 in 6 chance to take a wound, and the enemy
defenders will have lost 1/6th
of their numbers.
Example combat-
The players include two barbarians, a shaman, and a cannibal giant.
They knock on the door of a simple farmer's hut in the lands of the
nice people. They come in and demand the farmers give them all their
food. The farmer submits, but not before taking out of a knife and
stabbing the ringleader of the barbarians in the hand (sneak attack).
The farmer is retired elite soldier and you can consider his combat
value of 1. His sons are part of the milita, but are scared and
cannot fight effectively against the Cannibal Giant, meaning the
farmer fights alone. He has a combat value of 1 and your party has a
combat value of 5.
You easily
dispatch the farmer, but you took one wound. You kill the sons, take
the daughters, and break into the cellar to look for any ale.
Fire
Normally, combat
resolves with a 1 in 3 chance to take a wound only if you lose, 1 in
6 if the battle was a tie, but if the players win they take no damage
except due to a surprise. Fire is the exception. Fire is an
incredibly powerful force, and is used by the defenders in the form
of flaming arrows, or magic done by the Sun Priestesses.
If fire was
present and used against the players in combat, for any reason, then
every player-character has a 1 in 6 chance to take a wound after
combat ends- win, lose, or draw. This includes if fire was
accidentally set, or the building you are in was lit on fire. Players
can also use fire, such as trapping an enemy in a burning building or
stealing fire arrows to use for themselves. In such situation, boost
their combat value by +1 for each source of fire. Ice Warriors and those who drank from the Horn of
Ice-Water that day are immune to fire.
Damage
Every character
can take wounds. If wounds are inflicted, your character feel the
pain and must suffer with them until they are healed by some method.
Healing kits can heal wounds from normal weapons, but only a Shaman
can cure burns with magic. If you reach your wound limit,
determined by what kind of Dickhead you are, then you are put into
Dying. If you take a wound while in the dying state, you die
instantly. One week of bed rest is enough to cure a wound- camps and
marches do not count.
The Dying
state means your character is limping and on their last legs. You can
still move, fight, and speak but are running out of strength. Treat
your combat value as half. Unless you are healed by a healer's kit or
magic you will die in the night while sleeping in camp. Also, taking
another wound kills you instantly. The only other way to escape the
Dying state is to be very well rested and have bed rest- your
warrior's camp is too harsh, but a locked, fire-warmed room with a
bed and plenty access to water and food will suffice. You have a 1 in
6 chance to die even in these good conditions, otherwise recover one
wound after a week of bed rest.
For example, a Pygmy
will be put into dying after taking one wound. Ice Warriors and Cannibal Giants will enter dying after taking three wounds, and so on.
Enemies
Milita-
The weakest enemies, not even half as effective as a regular soldier. They make up the
general population, and fight with standard spears and little to no
armor. They are cowardly and can be scared by magic or giants. Most
of them will die in the event of fire and can be easily chopped apart
by an axe.
They
have a combat value of Zero.
Soldiers-
The standard soldier. Note that they are better trained and armed
then you are; they have full bodied shields, full body armor, and
short swords. However they are physically small, soft from their days of
civilized life, and lack the killing instinct the Dickhead Barbarians
do.
They
have a combat value of One-Half
each.
Standards-
These are soldiers armed with no weapons or shields; they only carry
a war banner. Their banners are red and gold, edged with silver
bangles, and inspire greatness to the hearts of the Nice People. The
banners are magic and shimmer in the sunlight. If a Standard-Bearer
is present in a battle, all of the standard soldiers fight with a
combat value of One.
Killing these before the battle beings with an ambush will be a very
important tactic to the Dickhead Barbarians.
The
Standard Bearer alone has a combat value of Zero.
Slingers-
Lightly armed soldiers trained with slings, often recruited from
local shepherds, they are most commonly seen in the envoy of the Yak
Kings. Before a battle begins with slingers present, every Dickhead
Barbarian has a 1 in 10 chance of getting wounded by a slinger's
shot. They can only hit a maximum number of Dickhead Barbarians even
to their own numbers, so if 5 slingers are present in a battle
against your 10 barbarians, only half of them will roll to see if
they were hurt, determined randomly. Helmets protect against
slingers. Also, after the first round of combat and they release
their volley, Slingers are not given armor and only have a dagger to
defend themselves, as such they have no combat ability and are
cowardly as militia. If you want to make slingers more deadly, make it so that if they double or triple a barbarian party they will have a 2 in 10 or 3 in 10, etc, chance to deal a wound to each barbarian.
Slingers
have a combat value of Zero.
Archers-
Deployed only as defense on the great wall or other fortresses. They
dip their arrows in sunlit oil which ignites as it flies through the
air with a harsh whistle. They count as a source of fire, but only
during the daytime.
Archers
have a combat value of One
while fighting defensively on top of a wall or in a tower. If they
are in an open field or indoors, their combat value is changed to
Zero.
Sun Priestess-
Calling upon the magic of their people; the Sun Priestess can channel
fire and light through her magic. They can cast this magic at any
time of the day. The Sun Priestesses wear red and golden gowns and
wield magic staves made of brass topped with bright rubies. With a
flick of their staff, fire is conjured and launched at her foes. She
counts as a source of fire. Sometimes, Sun Priestesses ride on top of
Komodo beasts into battle; Since a Sun Priestess rides on top of the
Komodo beast, it is very hard to sneak attack her unless you use a
pygmy to climb the beast as it doesn't notice or by throwing a
javelin.
Sun
Priestesses have a combat value of One.
Komodo Beasts-
These huge creatures are only ever seen while being ridden and
controlled by a Sun Priestess. Without a priestess, they simply
lounge on the road and wait to be fed by someone wearing the
loincloth of the temple youth; they ignore everyone else. The Sun
Priestesses control them through magic, and become very formidable
while on top of one. If you kill the Priestess riding on a Komodo
beast, the beast will enter the fight with its normal combat value,
but will become cowardly.
Komodo
Beasts have a combat value of Two
and must be wounded Twice
before they die.
Temple Guards-
The most powerful and elite soldiers of the Nice People. They have
glowing orange eyes and are men, blessed with magic and imbued with
the waters of life and majesty. Each one has skin and hair that is so
fine and handsome that it practically glows. All of them wear two to
three cat paws around their necks as amulets; earned from their feats
of bravery. They wear heavy armor but no shields; each uses two
swords which they have the skill to use both at the same time.
Temple
Guards have a combat value of Two and a Half.
They are put into the dying state after taking One wound,
meaning they will die in one day but will seek healing or warn others
of the barbarians if they escape.
Yak King-
Lesser Kings and Tribesmen of the Nice People- said to once be the
rulers before the Sun Priestesses became the dominant religion. They
are said to still strongly follow the forces of nature. Yak Kings are
bigger then the normal Nice People, they have shaggy hair and manes,
and also have two small horns that grow from their heads, like the
yaks they heard in the mountains bordering the territories of the
Nice People and the Barbarians Dickheads (you). If they are injured
in combat, they will likely flee to a place of natural solitude, in
which case they will heal in one night. You are unlikely to find any
Yak Kings in the great cities, but are very likely to encounter them
if you try to cross between the two territories through the mountains
or passes not guarded by walls. Before
a battle begins with a Yak King- they will beat on a wardrum and
scream with their retinue. Your group loses -2 of their total combat
value unless if you have at least three warriors bang on their
shields OR you have a shaman to counter the magic. This obviously
does no occur if the battle begins with surprise.
Yak
Kings have a combat value of Two
and must be wounded Twice
before they die.
Great Yak-
Normal yaks are too timid and small to provide as a weapon of war,
but great yaks are different. These are yaks, herded by the lesser
tribes and yak kings in the lands of the Nice People, who have grown
to prodigious size. Your Barbarians will instantly harken them to the
great mammoths of your land, and will have some basic idea on how to
fight these huge monsters. They are usually ridden by a brave youth
or a small group of warriors, who tug their shaggy hair to use them
as living battering rams. If you manage to win a combat against them,
they flee and will kill 1 in 6 of the enemy forces by charging
through them, destroying barricades, and generally causing chaos
among the enemy forces. If you manage to kill their riders before the
battle begins, the yaks become useless and instead provide a -2
combat value to the entire defending force.
Great Yaks
have a combat value of Three.
They can take many wounds before they die but once they are defeated
once they lose all taste for combat. If you manage to hunt one down
after a battle you could feed your entire troop for a month.
Snake Priest-
Less common then the Sun Priestesses, the Snake Priests and an
exclusively male occupation within the temple. Many of them began as
Komodo feeders and scribes before they were able to ascend up the
ranks. The Snake Priests do not have magic as the Sun Priestesses do,
except for the skills in alchemy, poisons, and snake charming. Each
of them does not carry weapons into combat except for a deadly snake,
which hangs from their arm and will bite whoever they choose. You can
avoid being bitten by a snake priest by exclusively fighting at range
with Javelins. If you engage in a battle with at least one snake
priest, a number of barbarians equal to the number of snake priests
in the battle have a 1 in 6 chance to have been bitten. If you were
bitten, you are put into the Dying state. Pygmies die instantly
because of their small bodies and hearts, and Cannibal Giants only
take one wound. Snake Priests are immune to poison.
Snake Priests have
a combat value of One and a Half.
Loot
Whenever the
Barbarians sack a temple or palace, they will find one treasure.
Temples scatter the lands of the nice people, but each city only has
one palace, belonging to the royal courts. The Kings and Queens of
the nice people are noble, and fight as Soldiers even without armies
to fight with them. They are very honorable and are held accountable
for their actions; in the past, peasants have sued their regents and
won. Within each palace or temple will be a single treasure, as well
as many bags and coffers filled with gleaming gold coins.
Treasure Table
– Roll 1d8
[1]
Golden Sword- This
magic sword appears as a golden relic. It is finely made, very sharp,
and well balanced. The sword is curved at the tip and feels warm just
looking at it. The sword is never locked in a box or guarded by
chains or locks, which should be the first clue that it isn't quite
so vulnerable. If you touch the sword, you burst into flames and die.
Anyone who is immune to fire can wield the sword without being hurt.
It increases your combat value by One.
[2]
Bottle of Venom- This
bottle is filled with a swirling green mist. If you open the bottle
in an attempt to drink it, it will spray poison gas and fill the
whole room. Whoever opened it is automatically poisoned and put into
the Dying
state, everyone else in the room has a 1 in 3 chance. If you throw
the bottle as a weapon; it will poison 1 in 6 of the enemy forces in
an open area or battlefield, which will increase to 1 in 2 of the
enemy forces in an enclosed space. All those targets are put into the
dying state, which means you can avoid conflict and wait until the
night when most of them have died.
[3]
Stone Arrow- This
magic arrow is made of stone, and carved with the tiny hand of the
Old Man in the Stone gripping the arrowhead and guiding the point
towards its mark. If you fire this arrow at anyone you can see, you
can guide the arrow magically towards them, causing them one wound
right at the start of the battle. If this occurs in surprise,
increase the amount of damage to Two wounds, or an instant kill
against most forces of the Nice People.
[4]
Feather Amulet-
Lesser artifact of the tribal people before the unification- said to
bring the luck and flight of birds. Wearing this amulet decreases the
chance of taking a wound up one die size for whoever is wearing it.
So a 1 in 6 chance becomes a 1 in 8 chance, or a 1 in 3 chance
becomes a 1 in 4 chance, and so on.
[5]
Healing Wand- Small
stick doused in ritual oils with a tassel of bright orange fabrics.
Said to be the favored and most precious artifacts of the Sun
Priestesses. If you wave this over a person who is submerged in a
bath; you can bring them out of the Dying state and undo the wound
that caused it, but cannot heal further wounds. If an enemy is in the
Dying state but manages to retreat to a temple, they will probably be
healed by one of these. You can only use this on up to 4 people per
day at most, meaning if you have more dying barbarians some of them
will probably pass in the night unless if you can get them proper
resting conditions.
Also;
any shamans in your party will have an irresistible urge to snap this
wand in half, a whisper from the gluttonous gods. If they do, they
will be rewarded with learning another one of the Shaman spells,
determined from the list randomly.
[6]
Robe of the Magi-
This magical robe is laced with sapphires and is bright blue in
color. It carries the magical power of the Old Man in the Stone and
many hedge magical traditions not related to the Great Sisterhood of
the Sun. If you wear this robe it is possible to meditate and sense
the movements of enemy troops on a 1 in 6 chance per day; the nearest
enemy party will be revealed to your mind in a vision. Additionally,
while wearing this robe, you become immune to wounds caused by the
fire of the Sun Priestesses, but not other sources of fire.
[7]
Golden Mask- These
masks are famed and very holy by the Nice People- they believe that
only true prophets can wear them and will lead their people to
deliverance in troubled times. None of them ever try to wear them,
even the high ranking members of the temple, out of respect and
reverance for the stuffy tradition. You can wear them though, and
instantly you can use it to trick a large number of enemy forces to
lay down their weapons, pass aside, or get aid from a large number of
civilians, etc. This trick will only work once as the news spreads of
a “false prophet” and of the evil barbarians abusing this
artifact.
[8]
Ruby Chain- Golden
chain set with rubies and amber stones, polished and fine. This
treasure has no magical or practical use, but is incredibly valuable.
It is worth approximately four times as much gold then you could
normally get from raiding an average temple or royal palace. You
could practically buy an entire village with one of these back in
your homeland.
Old Man in the Stone
Each
city is said to have an ancient stone carving that depicts an old
man. This is a statue of wisdom, and is not in any way antagonistic
to the culture of Sun Worship or the Priesthood. It is a source of
magic and knowledge, and is said to whisper to the Nice People,
especially in times of trouble, to give guidance. Any given city is
going to have one, a large town has a 1 in 3 chance of having one,
and some truly huge independent temple complexes may also have one.
Every
time you fight in a city or within a day's march of an Old Man Stone,
the enemy you face will always have a combat value of +1
and, depending on how complex your plans are, may also ignore any
sneak attacks you perform on them (or they may even get to ambush you
with sneak attacks). This is from the knowledge of the stone as it
whispers what you are doing to the leadership of the defenders.
You
can destroy an Old Man in the Stone by pushing it off a cliff (being
pulled by a packbeast or two), having a Cannibal Giant smash it to
pieces with a hammer that takes all day, or by having the shamans
perform blood sacrifice on several captured civilians; their blood
running over the magic stone and desecrating it so it speaks no more.
Every
time you destroy an Old Man Stone, regardless of the method used, one
of the Shamans in your party can take credit for it. They pray to the
gluttonous gods and permanently gain a superhuman resistance and
inner strength. Increase the total wounds they can sustain before
being put into the dying state by +1.
[1]
Before the invasion. The great walled city that borders your two
lands has not yet been approached. You will need a large army, siege
engines, or great diplomacy to try and gain entry. The Nice People
have not yet been alerted, only archers man the towers, no standards
have been brought out of storage, the soldiers are lazy and sleepy.
You could also start this campaign in the barbarian lands before
anyone has gone to the land of the Nice People, perhaps a few
sessions of fighting strange monsters in your frozen wilderness until
you hear tales of a warm and sunny land that is ripe for the taking.
The
players will probably be a smaller group serving underneath a greater
NPC barbarian warlord. You may be sent up the towers and ramparts to
kill the signal-fire men and archers so they can't raise the alarm as
the barbarians try to get through the great walls. More of a stealth
mission in the start.
[2]
The Great Battle. This campaign begins while the barbarians are
sieging the great walled fortress. The players will be a small strike
team, either trying to take out a certain pesky heroic individual
holding the line (maybe a Temple Guard or Sun Priestess) or going
behind enemy lines to take out some NPC commanders or soldiers. You
could also cold open the campaign right as the main walls are
breached, and have the players experience a huge chaotic fight with
great-yaks running down the streets of the burning city, getting into
fights with random civilians as milita, and smashing and grabbing
whatever they can from the first treasure room or palace.
[3]
The Dying City. This game takes place after the invasion; perhaps the
players are the second wave or are just a greedy group of individuals
who have nothing to do with a barbarian warhost that smashed through
the great walled city. Or perhaps the great walled city just doesn't
exist- the Nice People didn't even have a main walled fortress to
protect their lands as they were so ignorant of the dangerous
Dickhead Barbarians that bordered them. The players can travel around
the first city or to towns and villages in the nice people lands,
raiding, and avoiding the enemy patrols of soldiers, priestesses, and
other threats.
[4]
The Raided Countryside. The armies of the Nice People are shattered.
Most of the population has been fleeing away from the influx of
barbarians- who are starting to take the land and declare themselves
the new lords and rulers of this place. Only the most secure
strongholds remain of the Nice People; temple fortresses. The Yak
Kings are taking their people deeper into the mountains, but there is
rumor of a prophecy of an ancient Yak King bloodline that has the
power to expel the barbarians forever. As the barbarian invaders, the
players must deal with that looming threat.
Rules Considerations & FAQ
Progression Systems
There
isn't a lot of progression in this game, in fact players will
probably just get weaker as they lose their starting equipment,
usable spells, take losses and take wounds. However you are expected
to take slaves and loot, perhaps back to the homeland or just back to
your camp, and in return you will get access to more warriors, buying
barbarian equipment, and healing your troops. Then, raiding temples
and palaces will grant you magic items in greater numbers that will
improve your party permanently. Shamans can also gain new spells by
destroying certain useful magic items or gain increased permanent
vigor by destroying the Old Man in the Stone statues; if a Shaman
gets to four or even five wounds before they start dying you could
also consider giving them new magic powers.
Also;
it is somewhat implied the drawbacks of some characters (pygmies and
cannibal giants) will be partially amended by successful campaigns;
for example, instead of accidentally eating poison meat or having the
urge to kill a fellow barbarian, the cannibal giants will be able to
eat some of the Nice People they've taken as slaves- it's progression
in the sense that you've eliminated a drawback. The pygmies may make
up for their lacking combat value and general low self-esteem by
gathering up hireling barbarian warriors to serve them with all the
gold and treasure they've looted.
How do I determine how many enemies
are in a “force”?
Follow the
guidelines in the campaign start, or make it up as you go. I imagine
forces start smaller; small groups of milita and archers. Eventually
as the barbarians advance the tribal people get involed bringing in
slingers and yak kings, until the great temple districts start to
bring forth their Sun Priestesses and Komodo Beasts and the
standard-bearers ignited by magic. Temple Guards and Snake-Priests I
imagine as being more defensive, more “late game” threats you
have to deal with only if you try to break into the temples or noble
palaces to get your loot.
Why do some units have a combat
value of zero?
For
slingers (after they launch their volley), archers in enclosed
spaces, and standard militia. The idea is that they are still present in the fight, but
they don't provide any strength to their side in the scuffle, which
is implied to be at least in large part a melee. They don't provide
combat value directly but indirectly
they do, in the sense that when you kill a large number of enemy
troops among the slain will be the archers instead of more valuable
units.
Sun Priestesses
In
short; you can either encounter them alone (combat value of one, has
a 1 in 6 chance to wound all of your barbarians with fire damage) or
riding on a Komodo beast (total combat value of 3, 1 in 6 chance to
wound all of your barbarians with fire damage). They are meant to be
magically powerful but are not sturdy- the seemingly useless items
like javelins in the shop are to be used against targets like this.
Yak Kings & Temple Guards
These
characters are more meant to be recurring rivals or powerful foes,
though not as powerful as a Sun Priestess riding her Komodo beast. I
imagine Yak Kings hunting the party down every few days as long as
they are in their lands, recruiting militia and local commoners as
slingers to help them fight the invaders, being like a rival. I also
imagine Temple Guards appearing in pairs. Temple Guards are quite
powerful individually, but you probably won't see a big army of them,
so their combat values will probably be nearly the same as the party.
Cannibal Giants with war-paint are your most powerful single force,
and they are stronger then the temple guards individually by one half
a point.
What's up with Half combat values?
Half
combat values are a nice break point. I consider them still useful,
you could think of them as “as good as a normal soldier to have,
but you can't mass them as well.” Consider a battle where the party
has 4 barbarians and a pygmy or shaman, that means they have a combat
value of 4.5- you'd round this up to 5. If the enemy force has a combat value of 4, then that
means the enemy has a -1 disadvantage to the combat roll, same as
though you had a combat value total of 5. But if you had two
pygmies or shamans, you would have a combat value of 5 anyway, and the math works out the same. They're tiebreakers, but not powerful individually.
Afterward
Hey there, hope
you liked this game. It was originally going to be a 40 min settings
project, based on that first picture I posted, but it quickly
spiraled into its own thing. The idea here was to make a setting
based on the picture; I instantly thought of icy barbarians looking
at a sunny, majestic empire filled with life and being jealous about
it. Then I thought of having a ruleset where the players were moreso
obviously the “bad guys”, but as it was developed it kind of
branched out. While the Nice People are clearly nice, you'd almost
certainly want to live there instead of in Dickhead Barbarian land,
the Nice People were given a few antagonistic elements, like the
weird tribal yak king demihumans in an otherwise all-human game
world, and their obsession with giant reptiles and snakes. It's an evil campaign that isn't supposed to be totally cartoonish.
The game was very
Conan inspired, with races of humans being given specific detail and
traits, especially in regards to size and strength. I wanted the
player characters to feel like, while maybe the bad guys, you are the
SCARY bad guys. You aren't goblins, you're barbarians who are
fighting the soft and decadent empire. But in the places of magic and
their champions, these imperials are superior to your own forces. The
Sun Priestess for example is just better in every way to one of your
shamans; more powerful magic with less drawbacks and restrictions for
the most part, but she is surrounded by cowardly milita and an
untamable giant lizard.
So anyway, in
short, Dickhead Barbarians became a weird, somewhat unique game. I felt like I had taken this blog too far in the direction of just being D&D/DIY/OSR homebrew and material. I've always wanted to have more games; I've always loved making games, even one off little projects with rules and settings combined. For this reason, I ended up really liking what happened to Dickhead Barbarians and now that it is finished I hope you did as well.
