20 Roleplaying "Cold Opens"

[1] The accommodation ray is wearing off. You can feel the new skin membrane between your arms and legs getting thinner by the second; you will soon lose the ability to glide. You're at the top of a one hundred foot tree on the alien planet, and night is falling. You're over a mile away from your outpost, and on this planet the night gets so cold as to crystallize the trees here solid. Only through evolution have they survived this process each night. To a cold blooded reptiliod from a warm desert planet like yourself? Not a chance.

[2] The Undead are breaking through the windows. Gunshots ring out. The glass is cutting into your wrists, but you know the living are right on the other side. Just behind you in the midst of your hoard you can feel your undead queen; she's deeply pregnant with her next brood. You want to eat flesh, but giving the brains of your next victim to her will ensure her progny can read the chalk markings on the walls the survivors lead, they may learn to open doors and use firearms too. They are the next generation of the living dead. Fight and feed your queen.

[3] The Black-Iron Castle has been lost for centuries, and you are on its peak. You and your fellow treasure hunters are pinned down by a gattling gun fired from the blackhawk helicopter- the rival mercenaries seeking to take the castle's loot before you do. On the top of the castle is an iron ballista; it was good enough to kill dragon's in the middle ages, but can it pierce the metal skin of a blackhawk? You see three harpoons left; make them count.

[4] You're all on the back of an elephant, hunting religious extremists in rural India. You wade through 8 ft high grass, and see the rustling of movement below. You clutch your spear close; those shapes are too low to the ground and heavy to be humans. It can only mean one thing; Tigers. Man-Eaters.

[5] You are all men in your late teenage years. You are in a muddy trench, up to your knees in bloody mud shit-water. You hold identical rifles with silver runes on the side; you can only hope they are enchanted enough to harm your foes. You hear the sound of a machine roaring, and the screams of the innocent people trapped inside its broiler to power the infernal device. The tank is about to roll over your position- you can stay and be entombed, or go over and face the machine gun fire.

[6] Get every player around the table to say one “The Animal goes X” based on its sound. Cow goes moo, duck goes quack, cat goes meow, and so on. Once that is finished, everybody plays as the animal they impersonated wearing a cheap tie- all of you are on stage in front of a hundred microphones each; a flurry of questions are coming your way. Which one of you will win the election and become the next President of the United States?

[7] Select one player at random. They are currently holding a baby over the still water basin at the baptism. Tentacles slide from its fake skin and wrap around their arms and hands. The windows outside the church shift and show the sky as though a million miles from Earth. The civil war veterans in their chairs start to jump up and gyrate, calling upon their outsider god to devour your essence. You roll your eyes- this is the third time this has happened this year. Each player must roll to see how quickly they can pull out their Edison-Tech Volt Guns and vaporize these star spawn.

[8] Select one player at random. Their character's tongue is deep inside the mouth of a heavyset 6'3 fat guy wearing bright yellow spandex. They're the girlfriend character cheating on their “lover”, a separate wrestler, who is just now coming onto the stage. The other players are the girl's family members watching her performance up on stage. The twist is all of them know this is just an act, wrestling is just a reality show masquerading as a sport after all, but the wrestlers do not know that, and in fact they think it's very real. The spurned simpleton boyfriend is frothing at the mouth in rage, and he looks about ready to kill everyone up on that ring.

[9] Select one player at random. Their character just drank down a shot of the special purple ghost-liquor, which inflicts drunkenness instantly. Beyond flopping around in their chair, another character get slid a note from some faceless flapper in the crowd. Reading it makes their blood freeze; somebody in the speakeasy knows the party are federal agents.

[10] All of you are elves. You each carry a dying willow branch; you're hundreds of miles from the nearest sacred tree, much less entire grove, that could heal your injuries. Each player rolls a 1d6 to determine where and how severe they have a wound- 6 means the head and you're stumbling around. You each carry 2d4 White Arrows, after which you will be defenseless. All of you dying, and just as you cross over a red desert ridge you see an orc patrol headed your direction.

[11] All of you just died. You were on a bus headed to Toronto, and it had fallen off a bridge into the arctic ice. All of you are still freezing cold and scratched up, since you have no yet been given bodies by the Lord God himself to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. You stand before Saint Peter, holder to the keys of the kingdom- who checks his records. Turns out, all of you got mixed up with a bus full of cartel members guilty of horrible crimes. You're destined for hell. You see the smug cartel guys just behind you in line, giddy to get let in the pearly gates.

[12] You're all working at the Twinkie factory. Each player has a different job- there is a line worker filling pastries with custard, an accountant walking past with a clipboard, a janitor, an engineer fixing a machine. Each of you lock eyes for a moment- you know the Worker's Revolution begins now. The DM will describe the surroundings around each character round robin style, detailing the possible weapons. The Line-Worker has a pastry filler that could fill a punctured lung with white cream; the janitor has access to chemicals that could burn off a face; etc. As soon as one is used, all hell breaks loose.

[13] You're all tweakers in a seedy apartment complex. Each of you is addicted to a different drug; when you're on your drug, you get super human abilities in that aspect. The adderal pill-popper can think through complex math and technical problems in seconds, the cocaine addict moves hyper fast, the heroine junkie can ignore pain and tank blows, etc. You just shot and killed your dealer, and each gains 1d4+1 doses of your favorite drug. After you each roll your new finds, you hear a groan as he starts getting up, the aching hole in his head where you can see through his brain not slowing him down in the slightest.

[14] Each player picks their favorite color. If two players have the same favorite color, get specific with the shades and tones of the color so each has a distinct one. Then, each player-character finds themselves trapped in a box of that color, they are all ghosts trapped in paintings of solid color of their favorite color- the anchor that binds you to his realm. Each one feels what the painting feels. The last guests trickle in at 10 minutes until closing and all of you know that the fire that's about to engulf this place tonight will rend your souls to ash.

[15] Everybody is lost up in the mountains, climbing on slippery footfalls and precarious ledges. Each character is holding one ancient Mesopotamian artifact, which buzz with ancient energies. The first one to get broken will bring the wrath of that God upon the party- a swarm of locusts or blood drinking bats, an eclipse to hide your path, fires rising from the Earth, such punishments will befall you depending on which God is broken. The other God statues can be sated to give their protection from the curses or to bypass gaps too big to jump safely, but only by giving up 1d6 hit points worth of blood. Everyone in the party is a healthy adult with 2d6 hit points. Good luck.

[16] You're all lost in a hedge maze. Each of you holds a small remote control with a big red button, all identical. Pressing the buttons makes some walls sink, some walls rise, some make mechanical clicks that activate or turn off the traps around the place. You know what each one of yours does- you've experimented with them and know about the 30 second delay between each remote working to allow another one to be pressed. It's just then you hear the Minotaur coming. You trip and fall on each other, and your remotes all end up in an identical pile at your feet, scrambled together.

[17] The fire snaps at your heels. Each player rolls a 1d8 to determine what floor of the hotel they are on. Everyone above the first floor must try to get to a clear stairway, go to the roof to wait for rescue, or jump out a window to get safe. Each player also rolls a 1d8 to determine how powerful their psionic abilities are; with an 8 being able to beat back the fire for a moment, and a 1 only giving vague hints of future events not relevant to this situation. Everyone with a psychic power rating of at least 4 can communicate with each other. The faces in the fires snap and cackle at you, jumping from furniture to carpet to door, trying to cut off your escape routes.

[18] Each player takes control of a single girl in the sultan's grand harem. You have weapons stowed away in the rare occasions they are necessary; one has a shiv, the other a blackjack, the third a poison berry, the fourth a wand with one charge, the fifth a hidden mini-crossbow with a single bolt, etc. One night while preparing to kill the brutish sultan, you hear a window of the palace get knocked open. The guard in the room is dead. Somebody else is creeping through the halls.

[19] You're a group of hikers in the woods. You hear the cube before you see it, the dull hum like a jet engine through one hundred thousand layers of fabric. The muffled noise can be heard clearer when you step to the edge of the pond. Each character sees it as a different color. It's slowly spinning in place, and when the angles are right in all directions the cube stops rotating and starts moving towards the shoreline. The side of it closest to you all starts to open up.

[20] You're all detectives. Roll up your characters be deciding what donuts you eat from an assorted box. You're investigating a murder scene when the corpse's dismembered head starts rolling on the ground. Before any of you can react, it rolls down the stairs into the dark basement.

Room Full of Vampires

There are a lot of kinds of vampires. Beyond different bloodlines, different weaknesses, and different cultures around them; vampires are an incredibly diverse group of monsters and not-monsters. Ignorant villagers and the superstitious often mistake things that are objectively not vampires, and call them vampires or think they share weaknesses. Vampires hunters sometimes mistake things that are objectively vampires as to not be vampires; even things that are vampires are indeed very different from each other. Here's a comprehensive guide.

Art @Julia Lepetit

Things that aren't Vampires

Vampire bats, intelligent or made into a Wizard's familiar. So to are the anthropomorphized vampire bats not actually vampires, even though they drink blood and fly around. You don't think you'd have to specify this one, but it happens.

People with porphyria in real life, or a blood-anemia disease in a fantasy world. They may drink blood to help them live longer lives and maintain their health, or people who need to steal blood because their blood doesn't clot correctly. Not actual vampires, just inbred nobles with a disease.

Vampire Cultists and vampire worshippers. These beings may drink blood, wear capes, or offer up blood to the night sky to attempt to woo a master vampire to come down and give them immortality. Also includes vampire hunters who drink the blood of vampires, since drinking addictive vampire blood may transfer some of their power into the mortal for a short period of time with none of the weaknesses, though it does require hunting some dangerous prey.

Blood collectors are not vampires. Some hemomancers and degenerate nobles bathe in the blood of virgins to regain their youth, some even drinking it to fortify their inner body, but they are still not vampires. Many become vampires eventually or are well on their way to it though.

Mosquito men who live in human skin suits. People often try to “turn” these undead to find no effect, they aren't undead, just gut sucking insectoid monsters. These are not vampires no matter how similar to how they feed; they just drain peoples fluids and wear their skin-suits to blend in to find their next victim; they aren't actually undead vampires. Can usually be told apart by feeding through a proboscis sucker out of the mouth instead of fangs.

Things that are Vampires

Recently raised from the dead Strigoi vampires. These are just dead corpses that came back to life, either due to improper burial rites or because they died too early and wished to remain alive so badly they came back. They sneak out of their graves at night, sneak into people's houses and drink their blood, returning to the grave. These are a weaker vampire type, and have little intelligence or magical powers beyond their supernatural strength and agility. It is also said greater types of vampires can anoint a tombstone with some of their own blood to create more of these vampires as lesser thralls.

Greater vampires, or Vampyr are the classic type. They feed off of the life force of living mortals; usually in the form of blood, and many were once dark sorcerers who chose to transform themselves into these creatures to become immortal. Vampires of this type come in a million different varieties, with a strong bond between sire and offspring for each vampire generation. This creates a vampire hierarchy, with the original progenitor of the bloodline usually sits on top, and a web of intrigue as the vampyrs in the line jockey for position and prestige. Each generation of vampire gets weaker, but they inherent some of the power of their ancestors the older they become, and sometimes if they overpower and kill their elder vampires they can drain their blood to become more powerful.

Genetic vampires, also called Dhampirs or blood-touched, are a type of undead that isn't totally dead. They still have a little warmth, and a heart that beats about once an hour. This vampirism is a trait that runs in a family; parents can have children which grow to adults, just much slower then normal. They have some resistance to, but are still harmed by sunlight, and they are still turned by holy symbols. Any destroyed result instead has them paralyzed for an exploration turn. Also, as a less-mystic type of vampire, these vampires can survive on any kind of blood and often herd goats or cattle to feed off of at night, though human blood is the most delicious and addictive.

Ink Robe & Scampercord

Ink-Robe – Magic Robe +1

The Ink-Robe is a magical robe made of sticky ink, folded and pressed into the shape of a long flowing robe. The vast majority of ink robes are black, with areas of dark gray to give a bit of texture. More expensive and uncommon robes include those made of red ink, some with gold ink, and even more rare and expensive are those made of blue ink, requiring lapis lazuli. Inkrobes with lighter colors and gray ink are “watered down” and weaker, and it is a symbol of shame to wear an inferior robe like this.

Inkrobes are primarily useful for magic users. While wearing the robe, it grants a bonus to your AC of +1, some minor protection from the magical ink. The inkrobe also reforms itself whenever damaged- stitching together after being cut or bubbled into a burnt crust. It's practically indestructible, with the sole exception of water. Additionally, wearing this robe grants +1 to your saves against spells.

Additionally, the Inkrobe has a further ability to “steal” words out of books. By wiping your sleeve along a book or scroll, you can steal the words away as ink, which is hidden on the robe's surface. It's only visible if the ink and robe are different colors, and each time you are hit with a mace the words on the robe get all jumbled up. By wiping the sleeve against a new page you can transfer the words over, or by washing the robe away you can pick up the letters like tiny metal puzzle pieces and shove them back onto the page. This can also be done against ink drawings, annotations, magical glyphs and so forth; anything written in ink. The robe can 'store' one page of ink at a time.

Whenever a significant amount of water is splashed onto the magic user wearing this robe, it washes away the robe in a puddle of sticky muck, which only reforms once it is collected and dries out. If the amount of water splashed onto you is equal to a bucket or a blast from an elemental rod of water, you get a saving throw to avoid it. If the amount is more then that, or you are fully submerged in water or caught in the rain, then you do not get a saving throw.

Scampercord

The scampercord is made of any normal rope. The rope must be frayed at the end, each tassel is tied into a complex double knot formation at the end of the cord. This becomes the “body” of the magical item later on, with the tassels becoming the “feet”.

The scampercord looks like a spider with a long trailing rope behind it. It is a bunch of knots and cords tied together in a complex magical way, giving them false life. Anyone holding the end of the cord may direct this scamperer with their thoughts, letting them climb the rope up surfaces too complex or far away to throw, go around corners to tie itself to things, bind up a defeated enemies hands without having to get too close, and so on. Scampercords are not special in and of themselves- their magic comes from the knot and if cut or undone they will cease functioning.

The cord-makers who learn this technique can perform it on any piece of rope, and it lasts up to 2 seasons before the cords loosen. At that point, even if not used and kept in a closest somewhere, the lashings will have gotten too slippery and will come undone after one last use of the scampercord. Other long, flexible materials like a strand of glint, a tentacle, some iron chains and so on can also be tied into a scampercord by an expert knotsman, but will come undone in 1d4 uses due to the inherent difficulty in making and keeping a knot with anything that is not rope or twine.

Evil Sorceress Generator

By what lofty title is she Called? - 1d10

[1] The Jade Princess.

[2] The Queen of the Living.

[3] The Widowmaker

[4] The Maneater

[5] The She-Wolf

[6] Maiden in Black

[7] Maiden in White

[8] Queen in Red

[9] The High Priestess

[10] The Enchantress

What luxurious outfit graces her form? - 1d10

[1] Sleek black leather.

[2] Fur coat from a dire or rare beast.

[3] Lizard or dragon skin shawl.

[4] Jewelry. She wears no clothing beyond gold and gem.

[5] The finest silk in the world.

[6] She is naked. She is only covered by wisps of smokey magic, sand, or posing.

[7] Humble black dress with a funeral veil.

[8] Skin-tight bodysuit, with her skin painted to match its pattern and color.

[9] Tribal outfit. Leaves, bones, animal skins.

[10] Traditional ornamental dress. Heavy makeup and expertly styled hair.

What dangerous creature is her faithful pet? - 1d10

[1] Wyvern. It has an animal mind, protecting her as though she was its mother.

[2] Massive wooly bear.

[3] Brass bull that snorts fire. Skin is as hard as metal, about an elephant in size.

[4] Two Tigers. She strokes them by her throne as loyal pussycats.

[5] Magical Panther. It's a panther that can turn invisible and “disappear” if found. Assassin.

[6] Champion Dog. Its form is like a great dane; ageless and unnaturally skilled.

[7] Pack of Wolves.

[8] Idiotic simpleton. He's a giant, 8ft tall, with metal bolted into his skin.

[9] Giant Newt. Can attack like a shark in water, or plop onto land like a crocodile.

[10] Massive Boa constrictor.

How does she seduce men (to their doom)? - 1d8

[1] By touching a lock of her hair. On her head, or shaven and given as a gift.

[2] By locking eyes with her.

[3] The slender caress of her hands.

[4] Her voice.

[5] The smell of her perfume.

[6] The sound of her music; plucking a lute's string.

[7] Sneaky love potion, mixed in with drink or food.

[8] Her dainty gifts, kind manner, and pleasing hospitality. One week under her roof is all it takes.

What powerful man is under her spell? - 1d8

[1] The local King, who is cheating on his rightful wife with her. She's politically unassailable.

[2] Great magician.

[3] Lowborn lumberjack. He's so strong he carries trees by himself.

[4] Master Thief. He can break into palaces, steal anything she desires.

[5] Bishop or other reigning official. May not have broken vows yet, but will if she wants.

[6] Warlord, or Orc King. Has an army of barbarians at her beck and call.

[7] Two of the wealthiest merchants in the land. Cutthroat, the two constantly buy out kingdoms to have better access to her favorite flower; hire assassins to kill each other. She is amused.

[8] The world's greatest duelist- total chauvinist. Bombastic personality and arrogant womanizer- but infatuated with the Sorceress. Kills to defend her honor and wishes to marry her.

What symbol is associated with her magic? - 1d12

[1] Crescent Moon.

[2] Distant Star.

[3] Twisted crafts of wicker and hazel.

[4] Snakes.

[5] Human skulls.

[6] Animal fangs and horns; fashioned into necklaces or crowns.

[7] The loom. Enchantments spun as wool.

[8] An empty chalice.

[9] The dagger and a circle or line drawn in sand.

[10] The bubbling cauldron.

[11] Green, blue, or purple fire.

[12] A man tied to a tree, upside down, hanging from one ankle.

How did she gain her magic powers? - 1d6

[1] She was born with it. Her magical lineage descended from the fair folk, or of a monsterous race.

[2] Was a gift from a Goddess.

[3] Taught to her from her Mother. This family's secret power runs from Mother to Daughter.

[4] She learned it herself through hard work; her ambition is obsession.

[5] She seduced a magical creatures; an Elf King or Otherworldly Man. When he slept in his bed, she stole the power from him and fled.

[6] Seduced a well learned scholar, manipulated him into researching dark secrets and shattering his mind from ancient secrets. Discarded him when he was no longer useful.

What is the nature of her vanity? - 1d6

[1] She wishes to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Nothing more, or less.

[2] To be desired is to have power over others. To be the most desired, is to be the most in control.

[3] The power of her magic comes with a price- a disdain for all beneath you.

[4] She is scornful and hateful. Every woman more attractive then her is despised simply for being born that way. She was born as hateful as a fire.

[5] Beauty is fleeting. Art is immortal. To have your beauty made into art and story is to have your beauty become immortal. No wrinkle blemishes a portrait.

[6] It's not intentional. Forces outside of her have put her in this position. Manipulation is as natural to her as breathing is to us.

The BIG Mutation Table

Many entries will link to other blog articles, which may occasionally break. If you notice a broken link and call it out in the comments, I will get to fixing it as soon as possible.

Anyway- this is the result of several years of writing and illustrating. The results are weighted towards mutations that are mostly neutral, that have positive AND negative effects, or just weird effects in general. This is how I tend to write mutations. The outliers are made to be less common and on the extreme ends of your roll. This table has been planned for quite a long time, so I am finally glad to see it finished! Total number of potential outcomes is pretty high. I think you'll get some mileage.

Mutations

The form of life is mutable. Either through magic spell or mutagen, you are being changed. Whenever you fail a saving throw against a mutation, or are forced through one for whatever reason, you may roll on this table. If an entry does not specify a body part, or a mutation must occur on a certain body part, roll a 1d8 to determine what body part is selected. Certain races may have additional body parts- such as wings, tails, or long manes that may also be mutated or added. If a character is a centaur or has 4 arms, expand the table below to a d12 with the extra arms/legs.

Many entries on this table contain links to other pages. Click on the link and follow the instructions on that page to generate the result. Certain entries may also have small, nested tables in the form of lists. In these cases, roll the number indicated and then the result on the list is the number you use.

Bodypart Selection Table- 1d10

[1] Head/Horns

[2] Neck/Shoulders

[3] Left Arm

[4] Right Arm

[5] Chest/Back/Wings

[6] Stomach

[7] Groin/Tail/Pelvis

[8] Left Leg

[9] Right Leg

[10] Skin/Hair/Misc

The BIG Mutation Table – 1d100

[1] You are permanently warped into a horrible genetic aberration, with a constantly shifting form. It is made up of many kingdoms of life; plant, animal, man. The creature has 1 less HD then your character's level, and becomes a mindless NPC monster. Bummer.

The monster then (1d3)- Goes on a rampage and attacks the nearest being, starts eating nearby corpses or greenery, or runs away to find a safe place to nest & brood.

[2] You are heavily degenerated. Reroll all of your stats, and take the results if they are lower then your current ones. You are simply scarred by genetic errors, poorly built structures, and a weakened and unhealthy body. Normal cure spells will not work on you, is this is what your body is meant to be like, as though born with this form. Only a wish or divine intervention can revert these changes. If you rolled none of your new stats lower then your older ones, then you instead degenerate into an ancestral, unevolved animal form. Orcs turn into pigs, Humans become featherless bipeds, etc.

[3] You have gained an innate weakness to one of the elements, present in your flesh or skin. (1d4) Fire, Cold, Lightning, or Acid has become your nemesis. You take double damage from this element. After you die, your corpse will reanimate as an undead weak to the same element you were in life.

[4] You grow a second “face” underneath your first. It's a bit like a goiter that grows under your chin and is smaller, but has eyes and a mouth. Roll a random set of Eyes and Mouth (bite-attack table) on the Cavern Beast Generator to determine its stats and what it looks like. The face is almost always asleep when you're on the surface, but its eye(s) blink open when you go deeper underground. The face also follows your mental commands, but has a bit of an animal mind that betrays your subconscious. The face will, for example, bite or spit at those you hate and are forced up close to, even if you wish to keep your dislike of them a secret, or lick the neck and face of a lover, even in public.

[5-7] You have become misshappen. Roll on the misshapen subtable on the Weird Monster Generator until you get an 8, then gain a special power rolled on that special power table. Add those limbs to your body, which are otherwise act as normal limbs. Extra heads have simplistic and similar, but still distinct personalities and voices, to you. Like an unoriginal conjoined twin.

[8-9] Roll on the Rat Mutation table. The next time you eat some cheese, roll on that table again.

[10-11] Your head morphs into an animal head. Roll on the Random Animal table to determine what animal it is. You will gain/lose a bite attack based on what head you get. Your stats do not change, but you may see better or worse, gain nightvision or antanee, have a powerful nose, etc. You can still speak your normal languages, but can also speak the language of that animal and partially communicate with members of that species. You also will probably no longer be able to wear a regular helmet, and your clearly inhuman appearance may give you an additional -1 to reaction checks with civilized folks.

[12-16] Roll on the Blood Mutations table.

[17] Your body's humors have been disrupted! One of your Four humors are underproducing, while the rest are overproducing. The humor you are having trouble creating is (1d4) Hot & Dry, Hot & Wet, Cold & Dry, or Cold & Wet. You now have to eat an entire meal dedicated to that humor, such as lathering it with spices or eating very specific foods. On the upside your body's overproducing of the other humors has increased your energy and activity levels. You can now be fully rested with just 4 hours of sleep, and heal +1 hit points per day as long as your humors are kept in balance.

[18-20] Roll on the Nose Mutations table.

[21] You grow an elephant trunk in place of your nose. The trunk can be used as a prehensile limb that can grip objects roughly, but can only use small weapons like daggers or clubs at a -2 to attack rolls. You can also breath through it, but you lose some of your sensitivity to smell. 
The trunk looks (1d3) Like a typical gray elephant trunk, like your normal skin covering stretched into a weird trunk-like shape, brown and super fuzzy as a wooly mammoth trunk.

[22-27] Roll on the Eye Mutations table.

[28] You gain Darkvision. This means your eyes glow in the dark- letting you see in darkness. Your eyes glow a specific color based on your race. Sneaking around without closing your eyes in darkness confers a -2 penalty to all Stealth rolls.

[29-33] Roll on the Hardcore Mutations table.

[34] Your mouth and digestive process changes. Your spit become mildly acidic, dealing 1 damage to creatures if not wiped off after an exploration turn and dealing minor damage to stonework or metals if spit on and left for long periods of time. This applies to all your bodily fluids, thus making you very dangerous to other people around you as well, though you are thankfully immune to it. Your stomach can use this spit, as well as its newfound ability, to digest basically anything. You can scrap lichen off the walls, eat any creature's meat, chew pinecones, etc. Basically anything biological, no matter how rotten or hard, can be eaten and its nutrients absorbed by you. You don't need to forage for food.

[35-37] Roll on the Teeth Mutations table.

[38-40] Crystals grow in your flesh. Roll on the Flesh Crystal Growths table.

[41] Crystals grow in your flesh. In this case, it is Azurite ore growing on your body on a random body part. Azurite is a blue ore with the power to transmit, store, and release energy. Roll on the Azurite Power Table to determine what type of power you gain by using Azuritre. These crystals also sap your body of its energy; take lose -1d6 Constitution from these leeching crystals. If this would kill you, you lose your energy over the course of a few weeks, granting a small chance to find a cure or removing the mutation before the Azurite turns you into a zombie, drained of all life force.

[42-46] Roll on the Leg & Feet Mutations table.

[47] Your legs fuse together to become something new. Your legs combine to become (1d4) the tail of a mermaid, the body or “foot” of a slug, the coiling muscular tail of a snake, OR the entire four legs and lower body of a random quadrupedal animal making you into something akin to a centaur. Roll 1d8 on the Random Animal Table to determine this animal in the event of the above result.

[48-52] Roll on the Miscellaneous Mutations table.

[53] Thy flesh twists. Roll 1d3 random Body Parts, which have twisted around backwards. Certain body parts, like the chest, do not twist backwards and are instead twisted into a spiral. Due to the severity of this effect, the next night you go to sleep you toss and turn- waking up in a very strange sleeping position and having 1d2 of your twisted body parts realigned to normal. You can have the permanently stuck body parts treated by physicians and healers over the course of several years to turn them back to normal. However, your joints in these affected body parts become much more flexible; if your head was screwed on backwards and then cured, you can turn your head around 180 degrees, if your arm was twisted backwards you can fully bend it back, etc. As a result, you gain Dexterity points permanently equal to the number of limbs twisted back.

[54-59] Roll on the Freaky Fingers table.

[60] Your arm warps. Roll a random arm, then roll on the random Arms Table on the Weird Monster Generator. This arm replaces the offending limb. It gains or loses its usefulness based on whatever arm you rolled, having similar stats and abilities. If you roll the human hand, it has tattoos and gains a streak of criminality (picking people's pockets, flipping the bird, goosing passersbys, etc.)

[61-62] Roll on the Hair Mutations table.

[63] Your limbs are undergoing a serious transformation. Blisters form, retracting 1d4 of your limbs into the huge bread-loaf sized pustules at the terminus of your joints. These pustules can be squeezed by you once per day to fire out tiny, milky white translucent tendrils that sting whatever they touch, with the effect of the sting being listed below. You lose the use of these limbs while they are “changing”, and lancing or destroying these pustules destroys the limb permanently. After one year, these limbs emerge as long gray tendrils that can be used as a rough prehensile limb that is safe to the touch for others, though lacking the dexterity of a normal hand or foot. The end of these tendril has a slit and can be opened to reveal a small tentacled “hand” or “foot” that has the fully effectiveness of the limb but carries with it your poisonous sting.

Additionally, all of these stinging tentacles you have have the effect of (1d2) save vs paralysis or be paralyzed for 1d4 rounds, or save vs poison else take 2d6 damage from the stingers.

[64-66] Roll on the Torso Mutations table.

[67] Roll a Random Bodypart. Then, roll on the skin coverings table from the Mutant Wasteland Guide Generator. This is the skin this bodypart is now covered by, losing its fur if you had any. You gain +1 AC if the area has natural armor on it from the Mutant table.

[68] Generate a Random Alien Organ. This organ grows inside your chest over the period of 1d4 days, and its purpose should be shifted to better fit a fantasy setting. You gain +2 hit points from the increased body mass and bulk, but (1d3) you must eat an extra ration per day, extraterrestrials from another dimension will stalk you to vivisect the organ and take it, or you must consume a rare and expensive spice mixed with water once a month for its specifics nutrients or else you will sicken and die over the course of 1d8 days.

[69] Regardless of your gender, you have become pregnant. Your body must carry the creature for 2d6+2 months, and then you will birth it through the most fitting opening. This creature is a 0 HD monster generated using the Cavern Beast Generator. It is helpless and feeble until it has at least 1 HD. It has imprinted on you and believes you as its mother, and will not ever attack you, but hates the sun and wishes very much to remain in the darkness. The creature gains 1 HD every 1d4 years it develops, growing its attacks and power the older it gets. It is considered fully adult when it reaches the HD it would have had if generated solely on the Cavern Beast Generator.

[70-72] You change race. Over the course of 1d6 days, you mutate into a totally different being, with some vague similarities between your old body type, voice, face, coloration and so forth with your new form. But you are still wholly different, gaining and losing racial traits or bonuses as normal. Roll on your favorite gonzo race table, or GLOG Race Table by Skerples.

[73] Roll a Random Bodypart. If that body part is holding or wearing a magic item, then it “fuses” with the item. Your skin starts to grow over it and meld it to your form. An item held in your hand has its flesh melded onto it, if you're wearing a magic necklace the necklace is covered by a layer of skin and dully glows through it, etc.The item is now stuck to you and awkwardly trapped within a layer of your skin, which can only be cut out with surgical tools. If there is no magic item touching that part of your body, instead this mutation hides in wait until a magic item is placed there or brushes against it. You cannot use this bodypart as normal or equip an item in that slot, but can make full use of the item that is trapped inside of you with its full modifiers and uses per day.

Additionally, over the years this item is consumed more wholly, breaking down and changing into a biological form. When a magic sword is fused subsumed by your arm's flesh, it looks the same as it did before, just melded to you. After many seasons, the sword will begin to have bone and keratin elements, mixing with your biology and eventually seeming as though it is wholly a part of your body. At this point the item can not be surgically removed, but it will regenerate if damaged and you gain more control over it. For example, items with a one use per day rule will now have two uses a day, but you must consume an extra ration to feed the energy cost and so on.

[74-75] Your brain experiences a surge of maturation and new structures form within it. You gain the abilities of a beginner Psychic. You may eventually learn a Psychic trick or even develop a full blown Psychic power through leveling up, and training with your new power. This power is not considered magical, and may even work in alternate realities where magic does not exist. However, by becoming a Psychic you have opened the door for astral beings, psionic creatures, and harrowing life experiences to all be able to both sense you as well as cause your mind harm from the psionic attacks or stress. Roll on the Psychic Trick table to see what power you can develop.

[76-77] You grow horns. Roll 1d6 on the Random Horns Table. The horns sprout from your head and can be used as a 1d3 improvised weapon in combat if you butt your head around. If you rolled "Antlers", then your horns are seasonal and fall off every winter before growing back in spring.

[78] Your skeletal structure painfully shifts and hardens. You gain a slightly different silhouette and a slightly different looking face, but otherwise look the same. You gain +1 AC from your newfound skeletal development, but lose -1d4 Dexterity. When you die, the skeleton inside your body is very strange. Roll on the Weird Skeleton Table.

[79] Your bodily constitution has changed considerably. Your body stores fat as a layer of thin, but tough blubber just under the skin. You gain +1d6 Constitution points and a considerable amount of heft, but are not much fatter then you were before. This layer of blubber has also made you resistant to cold damage. However, your overactive immune system means you have developed a new deadly allergy to (1d4) Wine, Paper, Glass, Honey. Save vs death on touch, no save if ingested.

[80] You begin to grow manfruits. Unless you're a woman, then it's womanfruits. Or “personfruits”, whatever works for you. These grow along your sides, hanging out from your body on small twigs that poke out from your flesh painlessly. These 'fruits' have no effect on you, and indeed taste and make you feel terrible if you eat them, but others can eat your fruits or sup their juices and restore 1d3 hit points and will also restore 1 point to any damaged attribute. You grow 1d4 fruits during Summer and Autumn, 2d6 fruits during Spring, and are bare for the Winter.

[81] You're half slime! Your skin and flesh sags and takes on a new viscosity, more like ooze or gel. Your bones remain intact, and are the only anchor points to your physical body- you're much like a skeleton jelly. Your body has a new consistency closer to that of (1d4) Wet Sand, Clay, Gelatin, or Liquid Cement. You take -2 damage from slashing or piercing weapons and you don't bleed.

Additionally; Your internal organs (1d3) have disappeared and your entire body volume does the job, now float freely around you and can be removed without harm for short periods of time, or have turned into spiders which seek to escape you from wounds and bite your foes whenever possible.

[82-83] Roll on the Rubber Forehead Alien Generator to determine what your face and forehead changes like- roll on the first two “Characteristic” tables. You also gain the benefit of their culture as a sort of newfound mental acuity in that subject. If your setting has more prejudice against mutated people, then this mutation is less egregious. If you've already rolled this one, instead just roll on the Characteristics table and then roll on the Terrible Knowledge table instead.

[84] Your body now naturally absorbs magical energy, much like a sponge. You suck up a specific type of energy; roll on the 6 Types of Magical Energy table. If you absorb enough of this energy, you start to glow its colors and can produce a minor magical effect relating to it by spending the energy. However, due to your body's newfound openness to magic, you suffer a -4 to all saving throws vs all spells.

[85-86] You grow a tail. If you already have a tail, you grow a second one. This new tail is determined by rolling on Priunt's Random Tail Table- from the Really Powerful Hirelings Table. You gain the tail and its abilities. If chopped off, you get a saving throw to have it grow back the next morning. The tail will always grow back the same type that you had before. If you fail this save, the loss of the tail is permanent.

[87] You gain a hint of the “Other” in you. You are not an Other, but the Others will ignore you, treating you as one of their own, or like a background noise as long as you do not attack them or interfere with their plans and cults. Roll on the Other Tell Table and you gain that tell. You also gain the ability to distinguish an Other by sight and smell.

[88-93] Roll on the Weird & Terrifying Powers table. Some of the powers are more mystical and abstract to work with mutations, in which case, just roll a d30 on the table, which is where the majority of the more physical and biological powers or mutations are.

[94-95] You develop a strange patch of skin somewhere on your body. Roll a random bodypart for the location. Roll on the Cavern Beast Generator skin table to determine what it is. You gain the benefit.

[96-97] Your pineal gland fully activates, and you grow your third eye on your forehead. You gain +1d3 Wisdom. Additionally, your eye has the special power of (1d4)- Seeing the Invisible, Seeing through all illusions, Detecting Magic, or Detecting Alignment.

[98] You experience an astonishing rate of growth and development, like a second puberty. Your oldest scars disappear, you grow an inch or two in height, and your secondary sex characteristics are enhanced. Restore any damaged attributes you have and roll 1d6 twice to determine two different random stats. These stats are improved by +1d4 points permanently.

[99-100] Roll on the Really Good Mutations table. Nice.