4 "Hold Portal" Spell Variations

[1] Fold Portal
This spell allows the magic user to magically "fold" a portal down in size or shape. For example, a door could be folded vertically, making a small door that only a kobold or small creature can pass comfortable- anything bigger has to crawl through. You could fold a door by the top corner to the opposite side and create a strangely angled door. This spell is permanent unless the "portal" is unlocked with a golden key.

[2] Hold Tortal
This spell fills a target's hands with a large, grumpy turtle-creature called a Tortal. It's heavy and bulky enough that you need both hands to hold it. If you let it slip, it will scratch you with its claws in the fear of being dropped, and if dropped against the ground will bite your heels as if blaming you- dealing 1d2 damage. This spell magically fills the target's hands, but only works on beings with both hands that are free- so you can't cast this with something already in their hands like weapons, so it works best as a surprise attack.

The Tortal itself is just an animal, but seems strangely amicable and may even become a pet of someone who takes care of it.

[3] Scold Portal
This spell lets the magic user "speak" to any portal, like a window, door, or arch. Whatever they say is heard through a lens of criticism and scolding- the effect of this spell is improved by the caster's Charisma modifier.

The portal will begin to sniffle, sob, or straight up cry based on how good your verbal bashing is. Focusing on things like its appearance, lack of ability to allow or deny passage, or anything else will enhance this effect.

If the portal is sniffling and/or sobbing, it will make a loud sniffling noise whenever somebody passes through it. It will also warp as it opens and closes as though a sobbing face; this may allow bigger things then normal to pass through, or block them if it's a constant motion.

If the portal is crying; it will drench anything that walks through it with its tears; a waterfall pouring down through it.

[4] Hold Porkal
This spell works on any sort of pig-like creature, like an orc. When cast, it will block them in place, as though the spell Hold Person or Hold Monster is cast on them, except the creature will be unable to say anything except "PORKAL PORKAL!"- a common sound of a very delicious creature unable to fight back. Attract a wondering monster if they're loud enough; they'll draw a creature that likes to eat easy pigs as their prey.

4 "Sleep" Spell Variations

[1] Peep
Conjures forth a sugary mass. The mass is in the shape of small birds, and can be used as a ration for one person. Relying on this spell for a second day in a row causes stomach aches, dehydration, and poor health. Every day you use this for rations sequentially deal 1 damage to your Constitution score. If you want nourishing food from magic, turn to a Cleric.

If the caster of this spell is very high level or fails casting this spell somehow, consider the spell having a small chance to summon a 1st level Peep man.

[2] Meep
This spell allows the caster to emit a trembling little noise that causes animal attackers to hesitate. This only works if the caster is physically smaller then the animal and doesn't fight back. Powerful animals get a saving throw to ignore the effect, and intelligent animals aren't effected at all.

[3] Creep
Add +2 to your next stealth roll. If you don't use stealth rolls like that or want a more concrete effect, just make this spell mask one of the ways you can be found out in stealth.

[4] Cheap
This spell works on any nonmagic item or piece of equipment. It magically and invisibly transforms the item into a cheaper, shittier version of itself. Your armor has mismatching straps and is clearly made of several inferior alloys not melted together fully; leaving splotches all over it. Your weapon is dulled on one end and has nails in the shaft to prevent the wood from splintering, etc. The weapon or armor gets -1 to attack rolls or your AC, and will break on a roll of 1 with a weapon or armor/shield breaks on a roll of 20 made by an enemy attack against it.

6 Weird uses of "Comprehend Languages"

[1] Language of Dance
You lose the ability to talk, but you emote. This is the language of mimes and anything that dances to get attention. While under the effects of this, you can't cast any other spells, but you gain +2 AC from your ability to read and react to the words of motion. On the plus side, you can now understand giant bees and Swerda, or anything else that communicates through dance.

[2] Language of Magic
You lose the ability to talk normally, but can still cast spells through the strange warbled effect of your incantation-speaking voice. While comprehending magic itself, you can see what spells an enemy magician is about to cast the round beforehand as the energies being to gather around their body in an invisible aura. The DM must tell you what spell(s) the enemy magician has prepared at least one round before using them. Finally, you can understand creatures of pure magic or those creatures from the astral plane if they couldn't already be understood by a regular "Comprehend Languages" spell.

[3] Language of Machines
You lose the ability to speak and cast spells. However, your eyes become incredibly attuned to movements, and connections between objects as well as their apparent weight, composition, and purpose. By simply staring at an exposed collection of gears through a crack in the wall, you can tell the general purpose of a machine by staring at a small amount of its constituent parts. (The "purpose" here is always told in vague terms. Like a machine that shifts the walls of a labyrinth around is described as "it seems like its meant to move heavy weight" and so on).

Secondly, you gain +2 to saves against devices and traps. If you can somehow communicate with the other party members during this spell (or just attack yourself), you can also tell the weak points of various automatons and not!Robots in a fantasy world, granting advantage on attack rolls.

[4] Language of Water
You lose the ability to speak, but only above land. You can still cast spells, but only in the water. Spells come out as big bubbles that have to be popped by something sharp, with the spell being cast wherever the bubble popped. This spell does not grant water breathing. While under the effects of this spell, you can instinctively feel the motions, volume distortions, detiritus, and sound through a body of water. You can tell when a creature that is big enough to display at least a man sized amount of water is drawing near; you can avoid one random encounter while underwater.

[5] Language of Cloth
You lose the ability to speak. You can only cast spells if their target is yourself or directly around yourself/the target of the spell (you billow out your robe to make the spell come out). You gain the ability to understand the stories written in every piece of cloth and along every thread of twine. By looking at people's clothes you can see where they have been recently, and general ideas about their lifestyle. By touching and examining a piece of cloth or fabric you can tell generally where it has come from or who made it. This spell also lets you identify magic items by wearing them and feeling them up, but only magic items made of cloth. Finally, this language lets you see if anyone is hiding something under their clothes by reading the tiniest creases and folds of their outfit when they move and stand. This ability does not work on bottomless bags or bags of holding, since the item is just a gateway to another space.

[6] Language of Winds
You lose the ability to speak and cast spells, but can read the wind. You can gather smells and sounds from farther away; whispers across a city square filter into your ears from a distance, and can tell where and what is causing any given plume of smoke or sudden pillar of dust.

Additionally, by breathing and flowing your breath out in certain sequences, you can make the wind follow your motions. You can produce a stiff breeze to knock over objects, a gale wind to knock away arrows or push people back, or strength/reduce a storm in strength; taking a round, two rounds, or a turn respectively. Once you've used one of these, the wind moves on leaving you with nobody to talk to until the next time you cast this spell. 

4 "Color Spray" Spell Variations

[1] Duller Spray
Creates a spray of dull gray light. This very-boring spell doesn't do anything to most creatures, except creatures who live off whimsy, excitement, or are aligned with the faerie like elves, pixies, and the like. This spell saps these creatures of their natural magical beauty and steals it away.

Each creature within the cone is affected according to its Hit Dice.

2 HD or less
Damage of 1d4 points to Charisma score OR to all saving throws vs magic until the next full moon. Creature also loses one natural magical/supernatural ability such as speaking with animals, immunity to charm, immunity to ghoul paralysis, true sight, glamors, etc. The caster of the spell decides which ability is lost. This ability also comes back at the next full moon.

3 or 4 HD
Creature saves or loses one random natural ability such as speaking with animals, immunity to charm, immunity to ghoul paralysis, true sight,  glamors, etc. This ability comes back at the next full moon.

5 or more HD
Creature saves or loses one random natural ability until the next dawn or dusk.

[2] Color Flay
This spell is cast on a living creature, either just before or during a very painful or potentially lethal injury. If a creature is struck with a physical attack by a sword, axe, claw, etc. that would be lethal, this spell suspends death. The creature's flesh is still torn apart and could appear ripped off, dangling by a thread, but their flesh and blood is replaced with a psychedelic rainbow pattern that bleeds out little puffs of light.

As long as Color Flay is in effect, the creature feels little pain and can live at negative HP values. The negative value they can survive is equal to the caster's positive level times three. So a 6th level MU can keep someone alive up to -18 HP. (If your game already has death at something "lower" then 0 HD, consider adding this to the lowest possible value you can go instead).

[3] Mother Spray
Fires off a pink and white beam smelling of lavender. It's a very calming spell, which has the effect to clean, pamper, pretty-up, and generally place an aura of calmness on the area of the spellcasting. Any fussy babies or children in the area are quieted down, and any food in the area is nicely cut, seasoned, and prepared. Also performs minor forms of housework like making the bed or cleaning a mess.

[4] Color Day
This spell involves a powerful ritual involving ribbons, an uninterrupted ritual in a town square at night, and painting your body with paints. The next day, the town or district of the city you were sleeping in wakes up to find everyone around painted with various colors! Everybody has colorful painted skin and clothes matching a specific color-set that aligns them with others in the city.

When this spell is cast, the caster must specify what groups are being created. The people of the city appear in the colors of the group that they themselves identify with. You could split a city down political or religious lines, and nobody has a way of hiding it because of the colors that they cannot change.

This spell ends the next day. Anyone can also magically end the effect on themselves by drinking a thimble of lye or paint-thinner stuff, which deals 1d6 damage to their insides but magically turns their colors back to normal.

Spell Name Mutations + 4 Knock Mutant-Spells

I was reading this Goblin Punch article about mutant spells again recently, and it got me thinking about how much I like this nested table. You roll a d20 on a normal spell mutation, but a d30 on a mutate spell use. This unlocks new potential outcomes as well as increasing the chance of a specific result: New Flavor.

The New Flavor indicates the spell is changed in its elements, alignment, direct use, or otherwise. It goes from a 10% chance on a mutant spell to a 13.333% chance, making it the most likely outcome on the big table. But what about wordplay?

Change the mutant spell table; 18-20 is a New Flavor of spell. 21-22 is a New Name- change a single letter in the spell's name. If you want to do it randomly; roll the biggest die you can fit the spell's name with the unnecessary shit cut out (no Greater, Lesser, Melf's, etc.) and then remove the letter that it rolled. If you roll over, you then add a new letter instead. This makes weird results; Grease can never become Greasy but Knock can totally become Knocky.

Anyway, if you don't care about any of this bullshit, here's 4 Knock variants.

4 Knock Mutant-Spells

[1] Nock

This spell nocks any arrow you see onto any drawn back bow you can see. If there are no arrows; a bunch of twigs and leaves and bones and particles of dust and grime form into a rough shape of an arrow instead. The improvised arrow is destroyed on impact but deals 1d3 damage.

[2] Knck

Summons a minor demon of torment named Knck. He is a lesser familiar and can throw 1d4 flame damage fireballs, fights as a 1+1 HD creature, and has +1 AC and to hit. He carries a book with eighteen horrible faces in it. If you agree to mutilate the faces in the book; drawing crude symbols, slashing eyebrows, pulling lips and creating blemishes, he'll give you a silver coin. Your conscious weighs on you heavily. The faces are of course tied to actual people in hell, being punished for their envious greed, their faces warped as the drawings. Knck is only bound to serve you for 1d4+1 turns, but might stick around if you're really cruel with the faces.

[3] Knok

The name of an ancient caveman hero, slayer of dinosaurs and mammoths alike. Your characters may not know this, but they do know screaming KNOK!!! at the top of their lungs before attacking a huge prehistoric beast gives them +2 to hit and damage on their attack. Additionally, gives advantage to saving throws to do things like jump on a dino's back or avoid getting scared off by their death roar. Knok has up to three invocations, usable by anyone who hears and shouts along.

[4] Kock

Gives the magic user a functional, 8 inch long penis. It's bright purple with green polka dots and has invisible (actually octarine) cum. It doesn't seem to do anything else- but both sexes can cast it equally well. The spell lasts until it gets someone pregnant, and then falls off. It is highly likely the baby will be something else in human form, or a sentient spell given a new body.