Fantasy Funeral-Procession d8 Generator

Who's the Stiff?

[1] Archmage. His body is moving, smiling, and waving at the crowds. If you try to talk to it the corpse explains that it is not alive, truly, it is just very well enchanted to act like the archmage did. It is not cognizant of anything happening, and is very happy it will soon be entombed.

[2] Wealthy heiress noblewoman, known in life for her debauchery. Included in the mourners are her 2d10 male concubines, who are wearing black silky nightgowns.

[3] An evil count. The mourners are all paid off, everybody in the crowd is cheering. His taxes and torture of innocents to get information on the very justified rebels made him very unpopular; though it was natural causes that finally did him in. 1 in 3 chance that he prepared a nasty spell in the poem that is supposed to be read when he is put under; 1d20 scorpions appear from the upturned grave and attack everyone nearby. Just so he can get the last laugh.

[4] Friendly bridge troll. He finally died from a wild goat attack. The coffin is twice as big and the men underneath are grunting with effort to carry it. If someone pours a potion of healing inside the casket there is a 1 in 6 chance he'll rise up again as if he was just taking a nap.

[5] The old knight. Protector of the weak, vigilant defender of the righteous, and an absolutely terrible fashion sense. The open casket reveals his lime green and polkadot dress robes, his honor guard of old retired knights from his order look uncomfortable in their poofy armor lining.

[6] It's some centuries old desecrated corpse. Nobody knows anything about it, they can't even tell their social class or their gender or anything. After being accidentally unearthed by a group of adventurers, it is getting an extra apologetic funeral, hoping to avoid the spirit's anger and turning it into some high level undead wraith.

[7] The Dwarf smith. His metal armor and craftsmenship still present on the coffin itself and on the honor guard. The procession is heading into a mountain, where he will be buried alongside the tombs of his ancient ancestors. The corpse is fully armored and his hammer is held in his necrotic hands. If a Raise Undead spell was cast upon it it would become a fully armored, 4 HD zombie dwarf warrior.

[8] Young woman from the local village. She died of a disease, and her sad story as plucked the heartstrings of everyone. Roll two mourner groups, who are both competing with each other about who is more truly distraught over her passing. It may come to blows if it boils over.

What is the Casket like?

[1] Solid gold. Extremely heavy and they need many, many more people and animals to carry it. At the burial site, the corpse will be discretely buried in a humble wooden coffin instead; the gold one is just a rental. There are several armed guards around the coffin to dissuade thieves, and ½ the mourners are also secretly paid off assassins who will kill anyone who gets any funny ideas.

[2] Beautifully decorated, made of wood with wooden skeletons and ghosts showing their respect, incredibly detailed paneling appearing as a graveyard and gate to heaven. Subtle marks on both ends are advertisement for the carpenter.

[3] Shaped as a tiny house with a fully stocked pantry. Will be lowered in the ground carefully; acts as a home in the next life, or in case somebody got buried alive on accident.

[4] Dozens of yards of cloth, wrapping the corpse up like a massive mummy-noodle. Very flammable, 1 in 6 chance that an idiot with a candle gets too close.

[5] Crystal and glass; you can see the corpse resting peacefully. Depending on who the person was and how they died the sight might actually be very gruesome.

[6] It's a magic spell. The corpse appears as starlight, floating in place and twinkling as a barely-solid constellation. It is held aloft by silver scrolls at the four corners, with the carriers wearing crowns made of stars. It's an incredibly beautiful sight, but one counter spell or anti-magical energy wave and that corpse is going to reassemble really messily.

[7] Finely made casket with silver trim, several large gemstones and a golden carved dragon engraving stains the top of the casket. It has an expert-level lock, several traps, and an explosive rune carved underneath the corpse if it was shifted out of the way. The owner must have been very paranoid about people stealing their body or the jewelry they wanted to be buried with.

[8] The corpse is carried in the palm of a massive stone hand, levitating by magic crystals on the back of each knuckle. The huge hand is gentle and placid, though it belongs to a massive deactivated war golem from the next town over.

Who are the Mourners?

[1] Group of Merrymarrows. They are carrying flasks of water to splash on their eyes to pretend like they're crying, but are clearly not taking this seriously. They constantly leave the procession to go gamble with the homeless or let kids kick their skull around as a game.

[2] The many, many children and grandchildren of the deceased. They either had many lovers and were well known for their promiscuity or they just had one ridiculously fertile true love.

[3] Vampire hunters. They show their respect to the dead, but are still armed with holy water and stakes. They believe the deceased may become a vampire after they die and are just here for safety.

[4] Standard, professional mourners. They wear all black, weep and wail with artistic levels of restraint but also raw acting emotion, and never overstay their welcome. They are paid well, but one of them secretly works for a necromancer, scoping out new corpses to pillage for parts.

[5] Group of Elves. They are playing a very long, dainty, annoying song to send off the deceased on harps and graceful strings. They're going to keep everyone here until the moonlight shines on the dead before they are lowered into the earth, as is tradition.

[6] Several local townsfolk, making a big show of it. They clearly don't do this for a living, at least one knife fight is going to break out before this day is over. They're only really here for the free ale at the end of the route.

[7] Ambulatory crystals. Walking on four arms of stone, their central pillar body glows lightly with ambient magical energy. They don't speak, but seem to know what is happening, following the corpse. If the person was well known, they may have been rumored to have helped the crystal beings many years ago, else this may be an unexplained phenomenon. The crystals touch stones to make them glow along the path of the procession to light the way once night falls, and they will stand vigil around the grave for two years afterwards, unmoving and unyielding as stone. 1 in 2 chance anyone who digs near the grave gets attacked by the crystal beings.

[8] A local group of 1d6+1 Petty Nobles, along with their servants. They've drapped their horses in black cloth, but seem to be doing this less out of respect for the deceased and more for some obligation to a higher ranked noble, or to ease over local politics with the commoners. When something goes wrong, the nobles have their swords with them. Roll a reaction check with the party; higher results are better for them. This is to see who they side with, how reasonable they are to help out, or how actually useful they are in fighting some monsters.

What goes Wrong?

[1] Local jester plays the biggest prank of his career. After 1d4 hours of the long procession, the coffin pops open to reveal a very strange skeleton. It was all a trick, and he emerges from the crowd with a smile, telling everyone that they learned a valuable lesson in appreciating what you have before it's gone. The person was never dead. Conveniently, he appears next to the most morally dubious party member, and the nearest authority figure puts a bounty on the jester for 4,000 gold.

[2] Dragon flies overhead, roaring. Very scary, but the dragon is just an ex-lover of the deceased person. 1 in 4 chance the breakup was really bad and the dragon lights the coffin and ½ the entourage on fire.

[3] Group of 1d4 big ghouls bursts forth from the shadows. If the coffin is guarded or too heavy, they will start tearing at it to get at the body, or if its lightweight they'll run off with it to feast with a little more privacy.

[4] The reading of the will is happening, strangely, during the procession as several landmarks are passed. Possibly due to intentional shenanigans planned by the deceased, the will stipulates several very valuable pieces of property such as land, artifacts, guild positions, etc. are all given to a random swine-herding, illiterate farmer just as the procession passes his hut. The young (and armed) heirs are not happy with this news.

[5] Four demons appear to stop the funeral procession. They demand that the rites are ceased until the demonic lords in hell finish their trial to determine who exactly gets possession of the dead's soul. It appears that, at this very moment, they are delegating. Any high powered magic users in the party may be able to scry using the coffin as a guide to see that the deceased is on the verge of arguing for their resurrection; the contract clearly says the prince of darkness will foot the bill.

[6] Astral Star-Being descends from above, claiming that this corpse is harboring parasites not native to this plane. Demands immediate autopsy to remove them. If allowed to do it, doesn't warn that this “autopsy” makes the corpse explode and deal 2d6 cold damage as all nearby mourners and casket-carriers are hit with raining shards of frozen, dimensional-energy charged icy blood.

[7] About midway through the procession, a mushroom begins to grow from the corpse. It sprouts into a fruiting body and starts to send down spores, causing save or be infected with the poisonous mushroom spore disease. The person probably died of it, and now their body is being used to spread the disease to as many unsuspecting bystanders as possible.

[8] The procession is stopped from the grave site by a mad cult, who are in the process of killing 2d8 sheep for a ritual. They have already ritually prepared the ground; forcing your way inside will anger the spirits and cause the animals to become rabid and attack.